


I let a little light into the dark, cast the black out inside of my heart

by Shadowcrawler



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Female Friendship, Femslash, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Morning Sex, Season/Series 02, Slow Burn, Team Dynamics, Therapy, Time Skips, Trauma Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-12 10:36:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 22,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7931392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcrawler/pseuds/Shadowcrawler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kara and Bobbi were in love. Maybe they could be again.</p><p>A rewrite of Kara's story, who deserved better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. here comes the spark before the dark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [motherofdragons](https://archiveofourown.org/users/motherofdragons/gifts).



> So I was talking to autisticdaisyjohnson on tumblr about Kara and Bobbi and she said they could be really similar to an old OTP of mine and I said "aw fuck" and then I wrote 20k about it.
> 
> It starts pre-series and goes through all of season 2 and a little of season 3. I'll be posting one part every day in September. I hope I did Kara justice. She deserves that.
> 
> (The brainwashing and the stuff with Ward is still happening, just mostly offscreen, but do be aware that will be an element of this fic. A lot of this fic will be about her processing and healing from that. I'll try to add content warnings as needed.)

SHIELD’s anti-fraternization policy is very official and fancy-sounding and leaves very little room for grey areas, and basically no one pays any attention to it.

Well, some of the higher-ups do, and that’s one of the things that new recruits learn quick - which superiors will look the other way if they catch you half-naked in a closet, and which ones mean business and you should stand at least two feet away from everyone in the area when they’re in the room, just in case.

 _Technically_ , Kara’s SO, Agent Hartley, is one of the former, considering she’s pretty blatantly in some kind of relationship with Agent Hand. But Kara doesn’t want to take any chances.

So she’s careful. She doesn’t stare too long, doesn’t let her touch linger, stays alert for any signs that someone’s figured her out.

The problem is that Bobbi Morse is just _really_ hot and it’s hard to resist her.

Kara’s thought so even before they were paired up together in a sparring session one day, Bobbi holding her signature staves and wearing an eager smirk. “Hey,” she purrs, and _fuck_ , Kara’s not expecting the way her body reacts to that voice. “You ready, rookie?”

“Are _you_?” Kara asks, darting forward to give her a warning whack on the arm. Bobbi’s eyes flash, and Kara has to work not to just jump her right there.

Two minutes later she’s got a bruise forming on her arm from one of the staves, but she’s also got Bobbi pinned beneath her, looking up at her with a smirk. They’re both breathing heavily and Kara thinks maybe she’d better make that post-training shower a cold one.

\---

Bobbi seems to know _exactly_ the effect she has on Kara, because she’ll do things like run a hand down Kara’s arm as she walks by or step just close enough that Kara can catch her scent. (She smells just slightly of vanilla - it’s not the kind of scent that Kara would think would turn her on, but, well, there it is.)

It’s driving her _nuts_ and she can’t even do anything about it.

So she decides the only thing to do is to annoy Bobbi right back.

Not that she’s not already a great shot, but she starts spending hours in the shooting range. Bobbi’s a great shot, but Kara can be better. She knows it.

Hartley asks her once, kind of slyly, why her sudden interest in breaking the current record (Bobbi’s record). Kara shrugs and says something not super well thought out about wanting to impress the senior agents, and Hartley chuckles. “They’re not the only people you want to impress, hm?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” says Kara. Hartley just smirks.

Bobbi definitely notices too. On the occasions when they end up in the shooting range at the same time, Bobbi always gives her a friendly wink before getting down to business. It sounds ridiculous (who winks anymore?) but it’s weirdly sexy.

The day she blows past Bobbi’s kill shot record, Bobbi comes up behind her just as she’s about to unlock her door. “Hey,” she says casually, as if Kara isn’t blatantly staring up at her lips. “You’re pretty good.”

“ _Pretty_ good?” Kara says with a little laugh. “I guess, if I beat your record.”

“I wanted to come congratulate you,” purrs Bobbi, taking another step forward, which makes Kara have to step back just slightly, her back touching the door.

Kara tries to pretend like she’s not intensely turned on. “Thanks,” she hums, reaching for the keycard in her back pocket. “You’re _pretty good_ yourself.”

“Yeah, I know,” breathes Bobbi, and she is _definitely_ staring at Kara’s lips. “Won’t be long before I beat you again.”

“Oh yeah?” Kara raises an eyebrow and smirks. “We’ll see about that, Morse.”

“So, got any plans to celebrate your amazing victory? Drinking, napping, mutually fulfilling and illicit sex with a fellow agent?” Bobbi’s standing so close now that Kara can feel the heat coming off of her, and holy _shit._

“Dunno,” she says, trying for a casual tone. “The last one’s sounding kind of appealing.”

Then Bobbi leans down to kiss her, so suddenly that Kara’s not expecting it and she gasps a little. Bobbi swallows it with a deep chuckle, and after a long kiss she pulls away and murmurs, “Not that this isn’t fun, but we’d better go somewhere where there’s less chance of someone ratting on us, huh?”

Kara nods and swipes her card, and Bobbi nudges her inside with a hungry look in her eyes.


	2. right where I want you, back against the wall, trust when I promise, never let you fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention in the first part that I generally headcanon Bobbi as aromantic, but that doesn't apply in this fic.
> 
> Also, I started it out fluffy but it's not gonna stay that way, necessarily.

Bobbi’s really tall. Kara loves it.

Not that she’s even that _short_ , really, she’s an average height. Bobbi is just a fucking giant. She’s tall enough that Kara has to stand on tiptoe to kiss her if neither of them are wearing heels (and if Bobbi’s wearing heels, even if Kara is too, she just gives up on the idea of kissing altogether). She’s tall enough that when they hug, Kara can nestle into her shoulder and Bobbi can rest her chin on Kara’s head. And she’s tall enough that she can pick Kara up and carry her around like it’s nothing.

The first time she does it, Kara’s perched on the arm of one of the common area couches, reading, when Bobbi strides over to her, picks her up, and swings her around to press her against the nearby wall. Kara’s so shocked she yelps a bit, then bites her lip to stifle it halfway through. “Bobbi!” she hisses. “What are you doing?”

“Dunno,” says Bobbi with a shrug. “You just looked cute.” Then she leans forward to kiss Kara.

Kara instinctively wraps her legs around Bobbi’s waist and kisses her back. Once they’ve gotten a few kisses in, she pants, “Jesus, you swear you won’t drop me?”

“C’mon, Palamas,” purrs Bobbi, scraping her teeth across Kara’s to make her gasp. “Don’t you trust me?”

Kara sighs and shivers. “I _guess_ ,” she says, smirking before leaning in to suck on a spot on Bobbi’s neck.


	3. I want to draw you a floorplan of my head and heart

“Again?” Kara groans as Bobbi pops the DVD in.

“Hey,” says Bobbi, mock-offended as she ambles back over to where Kara’s lounging on her bed. “It’s my night to pick.”

“But _Empire_ again? Seriously? This is the third time we’ve watched it this month.”

“It’s the best of the trilogy. Don’t pretend you don’t love it.”

“Not pretending,” grumbles Kara, but once Bobbi sits down next to her she moves so she’s resting her head on Bobbi’s lap.

Bobbi snorts and starts petting Kara’s hair. “Like you don’t put in _Clash of the Titans_ every chance you get.”

“Not on movie night! Just for myself,” protests Kara, smirking. “I’ve only made you watch it a couple times.”

“That was enough, especially with your commentary,” Bobbi teases as she pushes play.

Kara starts to make a vague noise of protest, but Bobbi’s hand in her hair feels really nice, and she lets it turn into a contented sigh instead. “You asshole,” she says fondly. “I can’t be mad at you when you’re being so sweet.”

“Ah, you’ve uncovered my dastardly plan!” Bobbi says. “Plying you with affection so I can say whatever I want.”

“Not whatever,” giggles Kara. “I’m onto you, Morse.”

“God, whatever shall I do,” says Bobbi, and then goes quiet, completely absorbing herself in the movie (that she’s seen, Kara swears, a hundred times).

Kara means to stay awake, she really does, but Bobbi’s hand in her hair is so soothing and she’s so comfortable that she accidentally dozes off and doesn’t wake up until they’re on Cloud City. “I didn’t drool, did I?” she mumbles.

“No, I would’ve pushed you off if you had,” says Bobbi fondly.

Kara just laughs and nuzzles Bobbi’s thigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently in the comics Kara was a historian who specialized in Greek mythology, except in 616 comics Hercules is an actual thing and it got sort of complicated. I wanted to include a nod to that. (I haven't read that many SHIELD comics because I read too many other goddamn comics.)


	4. cry, cry wolf, I don't know what this howling will prove

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one jumps ahead a few months from the last one, but the timeline for a lot of this is fuzzy.
> 
> Also, I ruined the entire Love You to Death album for myself while writing this. In a fun feelings way, but still.

_I don’t give a damn ‘bout my bad reputation…_

Bobbi’s startled out of a dead sleep by Joan Jett, since she apparently forgot to switch her phone to silent again. “Fuck,” she grunts, fumbling in the dark for the phone. She’s only been asleep for a couple hours. If this is something work-related, she’s gonna have choice words for whoever it is.

But then she glances at the screen. _Kara_. She hasn't really heard from Kara since...hell, since she left to do field work. “Kara? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” says Kara, but it’s kind of wobbly. She takes a ragged breath. “I just...I miss you.”

“What?” Bobbi’s brain is still fuzzy from sleep, and this is literally the last thing she would’ve expected this phone call to be about. “Are you okay?”

There’s a noise that sounds kind of like a sob, and then Kara whimpers, “No...I know I said I was when we ended things but I really miss you and I’ve had a couple drinks I guess and I’m sorry I bothered you, I shouldn’t have called.”

“Hey,” says Bobbi gently, “is anybody there with you?”

Instead of answering, Kara takes a lot of shuddering breaths that devolve into more crying. Bobbi waits patiently until Kara finally says, “J-just me. I think everyone else is asleep.”

“It’s a SHIELD base, it never totally sleeps,” says Bobbi wryly. “Is there someone there you could talk to or would you rather stay on the line with me?”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone else.” Kara’s voice is very small. “I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this, I’m an agent, I should be able to handle myself and not acting like an asshole crying at you in the middle of the night…”

“Kara.” Bobbi takes a breath. It comes out like a sigh even though she doesn’t mean it to. “Why didn’t you say something three months ago?”

Kara sniffles. “I didn’t think it was going to hurt so much. I thought having missions would help. I didn’t want to be in your way. I don’t know.” There’s a shuffling noise and then it sounds like Kara blows her nose. “I got used to you being next to me, I guess. You’re warm and you smell nice. And you have pretty eyes.”

“Thanks,” Bobbi says. “Listen, um, I didn’t realize you were hurting so much or I would’ve...I dunno.” They’d agreed on a clean break with minimal contact, that it would be easier since Bobbi was leaving to do primarily field ops, but now Bobbi’s second-guessing that.

“You’re fine,” whimpers Kara, “you’re great, I’m the loser who drunk-dialed my ex and is crying at her on the phone.”

Well, part of that is true, but Bobbi doesn’t want to be an asshole, even though she really just wants to roll over and go back to sleep. “Hey, listen,” Bobbi says, “I think some sleep might help you feel better. How about you go sleep for a while and I’ll text you tomorrow to see if you still wanna talk, okay?”

“Okay.” Kara makes a few more noises that might be sobs before she says again, sounding more sure of herself, “Okay. Yes.”

“Okay. And Kara?” Bobbi pauses for a second before adding, “I miss you too.”

There’s no answer from Kara besides what maybe sounds like a whimper before she hangs up.

Bobbi doesn’t get a chance to text Kara the next day until late afternoon, but she figures Kara probably has stuff at the base to do. She keeps her phone closer than usual, just in case Kara pops up suddenly. Nothing. Not that day, or the next, or the next, or a week later.

Bobbi gives her space, but she also sometimes texts Isabelle to ask how Kara’s doing. She tells herself it’s because they’re still something like friends and she wants Kara to succeed. It’s not entirely a lie.


	5. I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe

Kara’s working on a report (routine intelligence gathering op, very boring, she’s basically falling asleep in her seat) when her phone buzzes.

She raises an eyebrow and picks it up. She doesn’t have a lot of friends, and those she has know not to bother her while she’s “at work.” The text is from Hartley, and it just says _Call me when you’re alone._

Well. This should be something worth ignoring the stupid paperwork. Kara stands up and ambles out the door, not stopping until she’s reached one of the less-frequented bathrooms. She locks herself in a stall and dials.

“Hey,” says Hartley. “Got an op for you.”

“An op? But you haven’t...aren’t you on an op right now?” Truth be told, Kara hasn’t spoken to her former SO in months, but she keeps tabs on her as best she can. She knows Hartley and Hunter are part of a small team of mercenaries that do ops so secret their files are locked beneath about ten layers of security. But Kara has ways of learning things she wants to know. She doesn’t pry, but she keeps Isabelle on her radar.

Isabelle laughs. It sounds a little bitter. “Kind of. Listen, it’s urgent. There’s been...an incident. Can you come or not?”

“Where?”

“The Playground. I’ll arrange for someone to drive you. Can you be ready in two hours?”

“I guess, but are you going to tell me what this is about?”

“Hunter’s dead.” The words fall from Hartley’s mouth like stones. Kara’s mouth goes dry. “Idaho too. I barely made it out alive. I can’t say much on the phone, but we’re down two men and you’re one of the best agents I know. Do you trust me enough to not ask any more questions until you’re here?”

Swallowing, Kara says, “Y-yes, I’ll go pack now.”

“Good. Go outside in two hours, there’ll be a car waiting. Don’t skimp on packing, you might not get back to base for a while.”

“Okay.” Kara pauses a moment, then says, “Isabelle, I’m sorry.”

Hartley sighs. “Me too, kid. I’ll explain when you get here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still pissed the show could've given us Lucy Lawless and instead we got...another irritating dude. So I fixed that too.


	6. does your body shake when you get around me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post 2x04.
> 
> Also, like. I'm not telling the AOS writers how to do their jobs but maybe if every canon couple talked out their issues like this we wouldn't have to watch so much relationship drama bullshit. I dunno.
> 
> oh AND I moved the timeline around some, so Kara's still getting brainwashed, but it's coming a little later. I wanted to let her be happy for a little while before everything goes to shit.

Kara’s just starting to get used to being around the rest of the team, just starting to settle in. She’s reserved as she typically is, but it’s nice being around Isabelle again, and she’s hung out with Mack a few times, so she feels more comfortable around him. She’s on the couch in the rec room reading one evening, when _she_ saunters in.

“ _Bobbi_?” The name slips out of her mouth before Kara’s even really aware she’s said it, because if she’d been more aware she wouldn’t have said anything at all.

Bobbi’s hair is dark, she’s wearing a red coat ( _sexy_ , something in the back of Kara’s head says before she tells it to kindly fuck off) and a smile. It only falters a little when she sees Kara. “Oh, hi,” she says, like she’s not sure whether that’s the right thing to say.

And honestly, Kara’s not even sure what to say either. It’s not like they didn’t part amicably (in theory), but it’s also not like Kara didn’t drunk-dial Bobbi to rant at her about her broken heart either. God. Maybe she can just go jump out the window and not have to deal with this anymore.

“What are you doing here?” is what she ends up saying.

Bobbi runs a hand through her hair, almost shyly. “I’m, uh. I’m part of the team now. Just came back from an undercover op at Hydra.”

“You just…” Kara shakes her head. “Okay. So you’re part of the team now, and…”

Bobbi opens her mouth to keep talking but a short-haired pale woman bounds in, all bright eyes and smiles and Kara almost feels bad for her, because it’s obvious Bobbi did that _thing_ she does and this girl is a little bit in love with Bobbi already. “Bobbi, do you - oh, hello!” she says in a clipped British accent, flashing Kara a smile. “I’m Jemma Simmons, I just got back from an undercover op. I don’t know how much Coulson told the rest of you. And you are?”

“Um, Kara Palamas,” Kara says uncertainly, still eyeing Bobbi. “Nice to meet you, Simmons.” Someone had definitely mentioned Simmons before. Was it Skye?

“You as well!” Simmons replies. “Anyhow, Bobbi, I just came to ask you how you’d like your tea?”

“Peppermint, two sugars,” Bobbi says. Kara could have told Simmons that.

“Alright. I’ll bring it by when it’s ready.” Simmons blinks a bit nervously. “Ah, do you want some too, Kara?”

The question takes her aback, so all she can say is “No, thanks.”

“Okay! See you later, then!” And Simmons is skipping off, bursting with nervous energy.

It’s silent. It’s awkward. Finally Bobbi smiles kind of shyly and asks, “How’ve you been?”

Kara shrugs. “Not bad. I got my number. I’m Agent 33.”

“I heard. Congratulations.” Bobbi takes a few steps. “Do you mind if I…?” She nods at the couch.

“Go ahead.” Kara scoots over a bit. (Well, she might be pathetic but she’s not a _complete_ asshole.)

Bobbi laughs awkwardly as she sits. “So, this is weird. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’m sorry for calling you at one AM and dumping all my drunk bullshit on you.” Being blunt is probably best at this point.

Bobbi winces and says, impossibly gently, “Kara, that wasn’t…”

“No, it was,” insists Kara. “It was shitty and I shouldn’t have done it, bourbon or no. I wouldn’t blame you if you were still pissed.”

“I was never mad about that,” Bobbi says. “I mean, I was a little annoyed you woke me up at one AM, but not actually mad.” She smirks and then continues, more serious, “I didn’t know it affected you so badly. I’m sorry for that.”

Kara squirms a bit, not meeting Bobbi’s eyes. “I shouldn’t have been like that. You didn’t...we weren't…” She fidgets with her hair. “I made it weird.”

“Hey,” says Bobbi, “did you miss the part where we work for a secret government organization and we can't even hold hands in public without getting interrogated and written up? I don’t think a little drunk pining is making it weird.”

“Still,” Kara murmurs. “If you want to just not talk to me outside of missions, that’d be okay.”

Bobbi shakes her head. “No, it wouldn't. Not for teammates, and not for...us.”

Kara’s heart does this embarrassing flippy thing that makes her want to stab herself with the nearest sharp object. “So how do you wanna handle this?” she asks. “I mean, with the…”

“How about we see where it takes us?” Bobbi asks, giving Kara one of those hopeful smiles that used to drive her crazy. (Still does. Fuck.) “I’m up for whatever happens.”

Kara laughs. This is a terrible goddamn idea, but it’s one of Bobbi’s ideas, which means she’ll go along with it. “Okay,” she says. “Okay.”


	7. would you give all your love for a run at the past with me

Here’s the thing. Kara knows still having feelings for Bobbi is stupid and reckless and pathetic. She’s tried to distract herself, with training and booze and girls, _any_ girls. (Some of them were great, and under different circumstances, she might have been happy with any one of them. But nope, her stupid loyal heart can’t let go of Bobbi.)

She was managing it too. But it’s kind of hard to be cool when they’re on the same fucking _team_.

Bobbi still wants to be teammates and friends, and Kara will try even if she breaks herself apart over it, but god, it sucks. Bobbi is just as funny and sweet and brilliant as Kara remembers, not to mention she’s got that new suit that fits perfectly…

 _God_ , Kara’s still got it bad.

They’re hanging out one night with Mack and Isabelle in the lounge, just beers and a movie. It’s something with a lot of explosions - honestly Kara doesn’t pay a lot of attention to it because she’s too busy pretending she isn’t sneaking looks at Bobbi. The light from the TV makes Bobbi’s hair look nice. She’s gone back to blonde. Kara likes her best blonde. Not that it should matter.

Then the movie ends, and it feels sudden because she’s not paying attention, and Mack and Isabelle are saying their goodnights and then oh _fuck_ she’s alone with Bobbi. Kara’s tried very hard not to be alone with Bobbi, especially not with alcohol, because when she drinks she loses her filter and _fuck._

“So, that was fun,” Bobbi says, completely oblivious to how Kara is quietly dying on the other end of the couch.

“Yeah,” Kara says shyly. “Fun. So, um, how are you liking it here?” It’s a stupid question and she wants to sink into the couch.

Bobbi shrugs. “Yeah, it’s kinda nice. I like being around Mack again, and Izzy, and you. Coulson’s okay, I guess. The others are nice. Much better than my last coworkers.” She laughs. “Not that that would be hard.”

Kara starts giggling (shit, there she goes, damn the alcohol). “I can imagine. How did you...I mean, it must have been awful.”

“It definitely wasn’t my favorite undercover job,” agrees Bobbi. “Really lonely. I didn’t exactly feel like bonding with them, although I was pretty damn good at faking it, if I do say so myself.” She tosses her hair and takes another sip. “I think the worst thing was that Hydra people, the lower-tier ones anyway, they act pretty normal? They’re not constantly like, rah-rah genocide, rah-rah ethnic cleansing.” She smirks and mimes waving pom poms, and it’s so cute Kara barely manages to bite back a squeak. “They do stuff like bitch about their jobs, talk about their families and what they watch on TV. Like they don’t work for a Nazi organization. It’s surreal. I never let myself forget why I was really there, though.”

Kara smiles. “You would never. You’re so…” She swallows whatever she was going to say and just shakes her head.

But Bobbi, damn her, is grinning. “I’m so what?”

Kara’s cheeks are getting hot and she’s starting to curse herself for not leaving earlier. “I dunno,” she mutters. “Noble, I guess. I can’t imagine you ever compromising yourself, even in the worst situation.”

Bobbi chuckles and ducks her head, her cheeks a little flushed too. “Thanks. Not to just bat that compliment back at you, but you too, Kara. You’re strong and brave and you never quit.”

Kara can’t help the little whimper that slips out. “You too,” she mumbles. “How...how are you holding up? With Hunter and all?” She’s not so sure bringing up Hunter is a good idea at this point, but there it is.

Bobbi sighs and looks so sad for a minute that Kara wants more than anything to reach over and hold her. “I’m...okay,” she says. “I mean, we hadn’t even spoken in a couple years. I’ll be missing him for a while, but it’s not like he was next to me in bed this morning or anything.”

Unsure of how else to respond, Kara just nods.

“I’ll always love him,” Bobbi says, taking a swig. “Or part of me will, anyway. The part that currently wants to dig him up and shake him for grabbing a goddamn unknown extraterrestrial artifact and hurting himself badly enough to necessitate a failed escape.”

Kara laughs despite herself. “Did he do that kind of thing a lot?”

“All the goddamn time,” sighs Bobbi. “I’m a little shocked it took so long for him to run out of luck, honestly. I don’t think the man ever thought through anything he did. That’s partially...well.” She laughs wryly. “Let’s just say it wasn’t a very long engagement. Or marriage.”

Kara missed the whole thing with her and Hunter - she still doesn’t know all the details, but it’s probably not the time to press for them. Instead she scoots a little closer and, before she can lose her nerve, she puts her hand on Bobbi’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Bobbi leans against her, almost startling Kara into jerking away. “Thanks. I’ll be okay, really. I already did my crying and cursing earlier.” She chuckles, adding, “It’s not even as if he made an effort to get in touch recently.”

Shaking her head, Kara replies, “I can’t imagine that, I mean...you…” Her brain is still alert enough for it to be flashing DANGER at her, so she bites her tongue and then finally says, “I...I should go to bed, it’s late.”

“Not _that_ late,” coaxes Bobbi. “C’mon, we could have a sleepover, talk about boys or girls or whatever. You gotta have another lady by now, right? No way you don’t, a catch like you.”

Kara sighs and turns away, starting to walk towards the door. “No, I…I don’t...that’s not a good idea.”

“Why not?” presses Bobbi.

“Because…” Kara swallows the lump that’s suddenly appeared in her throat and before she can pause to think about what a terrible idea this is, she says in a rush, “because I’m still in love with you!”

Behind her, Bobbi is quiet. _Fuck._ Kara adds quickly, not looking, “I’m sorry, I’ll just...I’ll just go now, goodnight, I…”

“Don’t.” Bobbi’s voice is gentle. “Kara, don’t leave.”

Kara laughs. “But, but I just, but you-”

She’s interrupted by a pair of familiar warm arms encircling her waist from behind and Bobbi’s purr in her ear: “And here I was thinking I was being all _noble_ , setting you free to find some other girl.”

It’s embarrassing how quickly Kara melts against her. “I couldn’t,” she murmurs. “I tried, but they were all...none of them were you.”

Bobbi presses a kiss to the back of her neck. “That so?”

“Yeah. You’re-” Kara’s interrupted by her own moan when Bobbi scrapes her teeth across Kara’s skin. “God,” she whines.

“It’s not that late,” murmurs Bobbi, and Kara can hear the grin in her words. “Your room or mine?”

“Whatever,” says Kara, and she should be embarrassed by how needy she sounds but right now she doesn’t give a damn.

The next morning, she sneaks out of Bobbi’s room before Bobbi wakes up and almost makes it back to her own bunk without being caught. Luckily, all Isabelle does is look her up and down, then smirk and say, “Good night’s sleep?” Kara purposefully doesn’t answer, just tosses her head and smirks back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess what canon ship I don't like


	8. save your first and last chance for me 'cause I don't want a white wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of the fluff for a bit, so, uh, enjoy.

It’s 1 AM and Kara’s nestled into Bobbi, letting her draw patterns on her naked back and dozing, when she hears Bobbi cough softly. “Mmm?” she murmurs, opening one eye.

“Look, uh,” says Bobbi, and her tone is serious enough that Kara opens the other eye and shifts so she can see Bobbi’s face. Bobbi swallows. “I don’t want...god, this is so awkward, I’m sorry.” She laughs weakly. “So. Marriage, not a thing I wanna go through again.”

Kara blinks. “Okay.”

“It’s just, Lance and I, that was a big mistake, and I hurt him even though I didn’t mean to, and I’ve already hurt you enough, and I don’t wanna risk fucking this up more than I already did.”

“You didn’t fuck up anything,” Kara says, rolling over to face her. “I’m the needy asshole who spent months pining for you, remember?”

“Whatever.” Bobbi rolls her eyes and smirks. “Anyway, point is, I figured you should know that even if we stick it out for a while, I’m not gonna be popping the question anytime soon.”

“Gross,” giggles Kara. “I always hated that phrase, ‘popping the question.’ It’s stupid and it makes me think of popping a zit.”

Bobbi snorts. “Literally no one on earth has that association, Palamas.”

“Well  _ I _ do!” protests Kara, shoving Bobbi playfully. “Anyway. It’s totally fine, I didn’t want to get married anyway.”

“Good?” Bobbi asks, sounding both amused and perplexed. “I mean, I’m offended? Not sure how I’m supposed to respond to that.”

Kara laughs and replies, “I just mean it’s not something that’s a big deal for me. I like what we have, I don’t need a stupid piece of paper to tell me I’m yours.”

Bobbi kisses her. “Damn right,” she teases. “Kara Morse sounds awful anyway.”

“Um, who says _I’d_ be the one changing my name, Bobbi _Palamas_?” It’s not even all the way out of her mouth before Kara makes a face. “You’re right, neither of those are good options.”

“I mean, I didn’t change my name for Hunter either,” Bobbi laughs. “I like it too much.”

“Well, it’s good we’ll never have to worry about it then,” says Kara, nestling against Bobbi.


	9. I promise I won't push my face up against your clothes or your stupid sheets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post 2x06. I had to move the timeline around a little, and the season 2 timeline is a little weird anyway so...it's vague I'm sorry.

It’s been two weeks since Kara was…

Bobbi hates the word “kidnapped.” It doesn’t sound remotely serious enough for what happens. “Abducted” is a little better, but it also sounds like something out of a bad TV movie. 

Taken? Taken. So fucking what if it’s a Liam Neeson movie. That’s what happened. 

It was supposed to be an easy op. Protect and retrieve Beckers, in and out, no issue. Fucker just  _ had _ to be Hydra, and Hydra mercenaries just had to show up and fuck up the entire op. They were doing so well, and then Kara was... 

Coulson is being about as helpful as a bag of dicks. She understands that he has a lot on his plate, that he’s still dealing with whatever shit he won’t talk about with the rest of the team, but it’s ridiculous. A member of their team is in Hydra custody and he’s barely doing anything about it.

She takes a lot of her anger out on punching bags. Sometimes in sparring sessions with Mack. He, at least, doesn’t look at her with the pitying expression that Isabelle or even Trip does. “It sucks,” he said after the first week, when he and Bobbi holed up in her room with a bottle of scotch. “I’m sorry.”

Bobbi takes a good long swig before grunting, “Yeah, well, so’s everybody else.”

“She’s tough,” Mack says, “she’ll be okay.” He says it with such conviction that Bobbi almost believes it. 

“She’s tough,” Bobbi agrees. Then she leans her head on Mack’s shoulder. Mercifully, he says nothing else about it.

That night, she sneaks out of her bunk into Kara’s. It’s only two doors down so it’s not even hard, but she doesn’t want anyone stopping her to ask questions or make sympathetic faces. No one has really been in Kara’s room in the last two weeks. The bed’s still a mess, some of her clothes are still tossed on the floor. There’s a half-empty glass of water next to the bed.

For whatever reason, that’s what makes Bobbi slump onto the bed, the smallest whimper escaping her lips. Kara’s pillow still smells like her hair, like that damn pomegranate shampoo she insists on using even though it’s expensive and harder to get. She showers at night, so that makes sense. Bobbi used to tease her about it, about how silly it was to get clean just before Kara went to sleep. “It’s a waste,” she’d say, and Kara would whack her on the arm playfully and say something like “well, if  _ you _ would switch too we’d have time for a quickie in the mornings.”

Bobbi presses her face into Kara’s pillow and just breathes in for a while. She doesn’t cry, not really.

Before she leaves, she grabs a shirt off the floor, which Kara must have worn for a training session because it absolutely reeks of her sweat. Bobbi thanks any gods listening that Kara’s always been too lazy to do laundry right away.

She falls asleep in her own bed, not cuddling the shirt exactly, but holding it close enough to her face that she can smell it . It’s not enough to fool herself into a peaceful sleep, but it’s something.


	10. I can't untangle what I know and what should matter most

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: brainwashing, Kara/Ward from Kara's perspective, implied conversion therapy.

Her name is Kara Lynn Palamas.

Hydra brainwashed her.

SHIELD abandoned her.

She loves Grant Ward.

She hates Agent Morse.

These are the things she knows, without a doubt. These are the things she repeats to herself every morning, so she won’t forget or be confused, no matter what happens.

Except. She would never tell Grant, but sometimes when she dreams, she dreams of Morse. Those are the only peaceful dreams she has. All the others are of torture and Bakshi and rivers of blood, but when she dreams of Morse, she feels safe. She feels warm and loved.

Sometimes she only remembers a flash of a dream - Morse’s blonde hair spread out across the pillow, Morse’s laugh, Morse’s warm smile - but more often she remembers every second. She and Morse are sparring, but it’s not a real fight, Morse is smiling at her, and then they’re kissing. She and Morse are sitting together, talking and not talking all at once, and it somehow doesn’t matter what they are or aren’t doing. She and Morse are in bed together, Morse on top of her, touching and kissing her everywhere, fingers ghosting down her belly to dip inside…

That was just the once, and Kara woke in the morning embarrassingly wet and furious with herself. Hydra has to be responsible for these dreams. Some sort of subconscious programming, maybe. Where else could they be coming from?

When she’s awake, it’s much easier. Grant is here, she can touch him, be with him. She doesn’t know what she’d do without him. She owes him everything. He loves her for _her_ , even with her face the way it is under this mask.

In the dreams, she knows her face is the way it used to be, her old face. She knows dream-Morse thinks she’s beautiful. When she wakes, she hates Morse even more for it, because Morse could never feel for her the way Grant does, could she?

And even if she could, would Kara want that?

No. Of course not.

She hates Agent Morse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a weird juggling act to respect Kara's feelings about Ward (because I don't want to ignore that) while also pointing out the relationship was coercive and abusive. I don't think I did a very good job in this chapter, but maybe in the later ones? Anyway, surprising no one, your author hates Ward and thinks this relationship was gross and horrible.


	11. so I started smoking, thought the signals would scare your wolves away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this didn't get posted until 11 PM, I was at a con over the weekend and then driving home and that pretty much ate my whole day.
> 
> Also it's set during 2x19. A lot of Bobbi and Kara's conversation is the same, but I tweaked parts, obviously.

Bobbi waits a couple days after they bring Kara back at the base to go to her.

She tells herself she just wants to give the doctors space to do their work. That’s not a lie.

But she’s also worried about what - who - she might find down there.

Finally, she slips into the med bay and leans against the doorway while one of them is finishing up a test. “It’s funny,” she says, “I don’t mind blood, but needles, not a fan.” She smiles, so Kara knows she’s here as a friend.

Kara looks up at her, like Bobbi knew she would, and gives her a half-smile. “I’m trying not to look at any of it, but this isn’t really about tests, right? This is about you guys keeping an eye on me where I can’t leave.” There’s an edge to her voice that wasn’t there before, and it’s breaking Bobbi’s heart just a little.

“Better than a cell, I guess,” says Bobbi, trying for nonchalant. “Plus we wanna make sure they didn’t mess with you physically.” She can barely keep down the bile at the implications of that statement. She  _ knows _ what Hydra is capable of, and just thinking about what they might have done to Kara enrages her.

“Just messed with my head. I know.” Kara meets her eyes.

“How much do you remember from before?” It’s not a question Bobbi wants to ask, but she needs to. She needs to know what angle to play here, how much information Kara’s still got rattling around in her head.

Kara shrugs. “Pieces. Missing some details.”

From the way she’s acting, Bobbi’s guessing those pieces don’t include her. Good thing she’s always had a pretty good handle on her emotions, so she ignores the painful twisting thing her heart is doing and says with another smile, “You know, we used to be pretty close before everything happened-” well  _ that’s _ an understatement, but better safe than sorry “-so I’m here for you. If you start remembering, come to me, I’ll help you out.”

What she doesn’t say is  _ I haven’t slept a full night in months. I took your old shirt from your room just so I could have something of yours with me. I could barely get food down the first week you were gone. If you remembered me, you’d know what a big deal this all was. I missed you more than I’ve ever missed anyone. _

“Thank you,” says Kara. “You’re the first one here to speak to me like a person.”

Her eyes are so big and sad that sends a whole new stab of pain through Bobbi, who swallows and says, “What Whitehall did to you...it’s unthinkable.”

“Yeah,” says Kara, and then her face brightens. “But at least one good thing came of it. I met Grant.” 

Bobbi recognizes that smile. It’s the kind of smile that used to be reserved only for her, and she’s hit with a wave of jealousy so quickly that all she can do is cough and try to rearrange her face into something not resembling disgust.

“No, just wait,” Kara says, sounding eerily placid. “He’ll get Bakshi to help. You’ll see the Grant I do.”

Bobbi manages to get through the rest of the conversation and remain (barely) polite, but once she’s left she marches down to the gym and spends too long beating the shit out of a punching bag. Nobody comes to find her, but later Isabelle stops by her room. “You okay?” she asks.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” says Bobbi carefully.

“I’ve got eyes,” says Isabelle. “I see how she is with him. It’s not unlike how she was with you.”

Bobbi sighs. “Izzy, unless you’ve got some strong drink with you, I’m gonna have to ask you to change the subject pretty damn quick.”

Isabelle sits down on the bed next to her. “Just wanted to check on you, Morse. You’ve had a shitty time lately.”

Despite herself, Bobbi laughs. “Yeah, ‘cause it’s been a walk in the park for you too.” They haven’t really talked about Victoria, but Bobbi knows Isabelle will know what she means. 

“Doesn’t make things suck for you any less,” points out Isabelle. “But, look, if anyone can get through to her, it’s you. She looked at you like you shot sunlight out your ass, you don’t forget a feeling like that, not entirely.”

“Poetic,” says Bobbi, but she’s smiling for real now. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.”


	12. I'm dying to know, I'm dying to know, is the one you ended up with everything you wanted?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: torture, implied conversion therapy/brainwashing, minor offscreen character death (spoiler it's Ward).
> 
> Set during and after 2x20-22.
> 
> You may have noticed that Grant Ward doesn't talk or really even appear in this fic. That was deliberate.

Bobbi figured out pretty quickly that Kara hates her. Or thinks she hates her. Either way, she’s out for Bobbi’s blood, and the only thing Bobbi knows to do now is what she’s trained to do: protect SHIELD at all costs. 

“I have nothing to apologize for,” she says, chin jutting out proudly even as they hit her hard enough to make her cough blood. Even as they slip the needles under her fingers. Even as Kara looks at her with more rage and pain than Bobbi’s ever seen in someone. Even as Bobbi’s heart breaks.

Still, she won’t crack. Whatever part of the Kara she knew remains, Bobbi doesn’t want her to see her beg or cry or plead for mercy. Kara told her she saw her as strong, uncompromising, and it’s the stupidest thing but Bobbi holds onto that to keep herself focused.

Also, she  _ refuses  _ to let Ward have the goddamn satisfaction of seeing her break. Watching Kara with him is its own kind of hell, so twisted and saccharine and  _ false _ she has to work not to gag. No doubt if Whitehall had figured out Kara’s sexuality, he’d found a way to “fix” it, to make her forget even the most innate part of herself, but this...it’s  _ wrong. _

“You love him?” she grunts once, in one of the rare moments when they’re alone.

Kara scoffs. “I don’t expect  _ you _ to understand.”

“I don’t, but not for the reasons you think,” replies Bobbi. 

“You don’t have to,” retorts Kara. “You’ll be dead soon.”

Bobbi just shrugs. She had a feeling trying to talk about it would go nowhere, but it was worth a try. She’s been in a race with death ever since she joined SHIELD anyway. Might as well go out knowing she never begged for anything.

And then she realizes what their new plan is, and god help her, she almost loses it. It’s going to be either Mack or Isabelle, there’s no way it won’t be, and the thought of either one of them dying while trying to rescue her rips her apart. 

So, in a way, she’s almost relieved when she feels the bullet hit her just as Isabelle bursts through the door. This is okay. She can go knowing SHIELD is safe, and so are her dearest friends, and if the girl she loves hates her, well, maybe Bobbi's death will make her feel better anyway.

But then Bobbi doesn’t die.

She wakes up in the med bay, hours later, every single part of her body aching. Isabelle’s sitting next to her bed. “Hey,” she says. “You’re an idiot.”

Despite herself, Bobbi laughs (and regrets it immediately). “I thought that had been long-established.”

“Yeah, but then you go and do some bullshit hero thing like this,” scolds Isabelle, smirking. “Your lung’s torn up pretty bad. You’re lucky you’re not dead.”

“Kinda thought I was gonna be,” says Bobbi. “I knew it was gonna be either you or Mack and I...I didn’t want you guys to get hurt because of me.”

“Idiot,” Isabelle says again, but it’s fond. “He’s been in here too, but he stepped out to sleep. It’s been a long day for all of us.”

Bobbi nods. Then she remembers something, even though it’s hazy amidst the  _ many _ drugs they apparently have her on. “Kara…?”

“Three shots to the stomach,” says Isabelle, and despite everything Bobbi feels her heart plummet. “She’s been in and out of surgery since I brought her in. I gotta tell you, Morse, it was a hard call.”

“No it wasn’t,” says Bobbi. “Not for you.”

Isabelle sighs. “Goddammit. Part of me wanted to just leave her there, but I knew...I knew you’d never forgive me. And I’d never forgive myself.”

“Do they think she’ll make it?”

“From what I hear, it was touch and go for a while, but they think so. They’re not sure what she’ll be like when she wakes up, though.” Isabelle grimaces. 

Bobbi winces. “I can’t imagine she’ll want  _ anything _ to do with me. She said she hates me.”

“Damn.” Isabelle makes what passes as a sympathetic face, for her. “Well, here’s a bit of good news. May shot the bastard, he’s definitely dead.”

“Ward? Fuck, nice job. We’re sure he’s dead?”

Isabelle nods. “He never saw it coming. Good fucking riddance.”

“Wish I had some booze to toast her,” jokes Bobbi.

“Yeah, not for a while. You’re on bedrest until further notice. But Coulson’s gonna want to know what happened, when you’re up for talking.” Isabelle stands up, then reaches out a little awkwardly to pat Bobbi’s shoulder. “Good to have you back, Morse. Lemme know if you need anything.”

“Thanks, Izzy. For, y’know. All the shit we’re probably not gonna talk about.”

Isabelle chuckles as she leaves the room.


	13. look me in the heart and unbreak broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: discussions of brainwashing and Kara/Ward. Also just like, pain. There's a lot of that coming, I'm afraid.

When Kara wakes up, everything hurts.

She blinks, adjusting to the bright lights in the room, and finally manages to focus on the person sitting next to her hospital bed. Coulson’s tapping at a tablet, not looking at her, but once she tries to sit up he says, “Hi, Kara. How are you feeling?”

She curls her lip. “Why do you care?”

“Because I want to help you,” he replies. “How are you feeling?”

“Fucking awful,” she snaps, finally noticing the cuffs that are keeping her secured to the hospital cot. “Am I a prisoner of SHIELD?”

“No,” Coulson says. “We just didn’t want you to hurt yourself or someone else. We weren’t sure how you’d feel when you woke up.”

“I feel like shit. And like I’m being held captive.”

“You’re not,” he says. “You’re back with your team.”

Kara scoffs. “My team left me to die.”

Coulson shakes his head. “No, Kara, that’s not what happened at all. We were on an op, and Hydra took you. We fought to get you back, but then they got away from us. We’ve been trying for months to get you back.”

“Why should I believe you?” says Kara. “Grant said-”

“Grant Ward is dead.”

“ _What?_ ”

“He was shot, shortly after he shot you. He mistook you for Agent May because you were wearing her face, and you came around a corner and he shot you. Agent Hartley got you and Agent Morse out, and Agent May shot him.”

Kara doesn’t really hear most of what he says because she’s too busy screaming.

Once the screaming has dissolved into sobbing, Coulson says gently, “If you need a moment, I can leave.”

“ _Get out!”_

To his credit, he does, looking remarkably unperturbed.

She cries until her eyes and throat feel raw. Then, when she’s curled up as best she can and staring at the ceiling, Coulson comes back in.

“Water?” he asks, offering a plastic bottle with a straw. Like she’s a child.

She snatches it from him and takes a long drink, then croaks, “What do you want?”

“Just to talk,” he says. “As much as you want to, anyway.”

“I don’t.”

“That’s okay. But will you watch this?” He does something on his tablet and then flips it around so she can see. “This is the video of the day you were abducted by Hydra.”

Well, she doesn’t exactly have a choice, does she? So she watches, eyes burning. She sees a team: herself, Agent May, Agent Morse, Agent Hartley. They’re inside a house, fighting Hydra goons. The person onscreen who looks like her seems so removed from her now, so confident and at ease. She takes on one goon, then another, flipping her hair over her shoulders in satisfaction once she sends them bowling over. (Kara wants to be skeptical of this. She knows SHIELD has the technology to doctor any video footage, and they could’ve just gotten a lookalike to film this. But the hairflip - she does this, she knows she does, and it’s not the kind of tic that most people would pick up on.)

Onscreen-her goes for a third, then suddenly lurches forward and slumps to the ground, as if she’s been shot from behind. Morse, who’s beating a guy with her sticks, glances over in an obvious panic and quickly dispatches of hers before yelling something and sprinting over to help. But by the time she has, a Hydra soldier has slung Kara over his shoulder and made a quick exit. Morse bolts after him, May and Hartley hot on her heels.

Eyes wide, she looks at Coulson. “What…?”

He gives her a small smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Kara, Hydra lied to you. They brainwashed you to make you think that your team abandoned you. But we didn’t. We were fighting to get you back the whole time, because you’re one of us.”

Kara shakes her head. “That’s not...Grant said…”

“Grant Ward lied to you too.” Coulson keeps his tone gentle. “I don’t know exactly what he told you, but whatever it was about what we did to him, it was all lies. We thought he was one of us, we trusted him, and then he betrayed us all and tried to murder half my team. He was working with Hydra, but ultimately he was only interested in himself.”

“No,” Kara insists. “He loved me. He loved me even though I looked…” She trails off and chokes back another sob. “And I loved him.”

“I’m sorry,” Coulson says. “He might have loved you, in whatever way he was capable of loving. But he also shot you, and he meant to kill.”

“He _wouldn’t_ if he’d known it was me!” Kara shrieks. “He would never hurt me!”

Coulson just looks at her, eyes sad.

\---

They uncuff her after a couple of days, probably after making sure she won’t snap and stab Coulson with the thermometer in the cup beside her bed. She won’t - what’s the point? If she hurts one of them, she’ll just get moved somewhere else, probably the basement. And even if she miraculously managed to escape, where would she go? She has no one. No one...except, of course, this team Coulson keeps insisting she was part of.

After a while (Kara doesn’t have a way to measure time in here, not that it matters) Agent Morse hobbles over to her bed delicately, crutches making it more than a bit difficult. “Hey,” Morse says, nodding to her. “How you holding up?”

Kara’s not interested in beating around the bush, especially not to her. “Terribly.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling.” Morse chuckles.

“What are you doing here?” Kara asks bluntly. “You betrayed me. Then I tortured you. We tortured you.”

That makes Morse laugh, though it sounds hollow. “Yeah, you guys did a number on me, for sure. Lost part of a lung, to say nothing of whatever the hell is going on under my fingernails.” She makes a face. “Let’s just say I’m here for personal reasons.”

Kara blinks. “I hated you. I still hate you.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

Bobbi sounds so casual about it it makes Kara even angrier. “Well, Hydra- Whitehall said you told them about that safe house while you were at Hydra. Grant said...he said that made it your fault I was taken. He said you abandoned me.”

“You saw the video,” counters Morse. “Did it look like I abandoned you?”

Kara’s quiet for a long moment and then says “No.”

“I know Coulson told you about what a lying bastard he was. And I’ve seen you, the real you, the one that isn’t pissed off at the whole world and looking to hurt someone else. You’re angry, I get that, but the Kara I know wouldn’t want to hurt others.”

Kara shakes her head. “What do you know about me? We were on the same team for a little while, that doesn’t mean you know me at all.”

“I know you were top of your class at SHIELD Academy,” says Morse. “I know you beat my record of ten kill shots when we were both rookies because you wanted to impress me. I know you’ve seen _Clash of the Titans_ about a thousand times and you go off on a rant about the inaccuracies if you’re watching it with someone, but it’s still one of your favorite movies. I know your dad showed it to you for the first time when you were five and you watch it every time you miss him. I know you don’t call your mom very much, but you think about her a lot. I know you like three creams and nothing else in your coffee. I know you like being the little spoon.”

Narrowing her eyes, Kara says, “How could you know some of that?”

Morse tilts her head, looking Kara over. Kara stares right back, even though the other woman’s gaze is making her want to drop her eyes and squirm uncomfortably. Finally Morse says, “There’s no way to say this that won’t sound weird, but you’re a lesbian, right?”

Whatever Kara thought Morse was going to say, it _definitely_ wasn’t that. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Not that Coulson would know to ask this question, but the Kara Palamas I knew was gay. I’m wondering if Hydra programmed that out of you, too.”

Kara shakes her head slowly, unsure of how to answer. “I...I loved Grant, that’s all I remember.”

Morse’s eyes flash angrily for a second, but then she smooths her face back to casual interest and replies, “Okay. So that’s something else we’ll have to help you remember.”

“Why does that matter?” snaps Kara. “Why do _you_ care about my feelings?”

“Because,” Morse says, standing up, “you used to be in love with me.” Then she turns to go, ignoring the strangled noise Kara makes when what Morse said finally registers.


	14. I never wanna be anyone's enemy, I just wanna let myself be the girl that I once was

She’s still got the mask on. She can’t remember what her face feels like without it.

She could probably ask them if they could get it off, but - no. She may not have much, but she has her face back, and she wants to keep it.

Coulson brings it up once. “I’m not sure you’ll be allowed to keep that,” he says, gesturing vaguely to Kara’s face.

“What, my _face?_ ”

He purses his lips. “The nanomask. Surely you understand that it makes a lot of people very nervous, the idea that you could conceivably look like anyone…”

“I don’t want to look like _anyone_ ,” she snaps. “I want to look like myself!”

“I understand that, but you should know that there might be some issues with-”

“You know what I look like under this,” Kara snarls. “Do you want me walking around this base looking like a goddamn monster?”

Coulson looks very uncomfortable. “That’s not…”

“I’m keeping the damn mask,” says Kara, turning away from him (because she can’t exactly get out of bed and storm away, but it has the same effect, she hopes).

“Kara,” he says, but she’s not listening.


	15. you wake up in the night and refuse to be afraid of it now

Kara adjusts. She heals. She does a lot of thinking. Not all of it is nice.

She’s had so many surgeries in the last few weeks that she’s lost count, and she’s confined to bedrest basically all the time. Coulson brings her a stack of books, which when she realizes they’re the _Percy Jackson_ series she briefly considers trying to light them on fire. “Agent Morse says you like Greek mythology,” Coulson says, almost apologetically, “and the whole set was $20. We don’t have much in the way of a recreational budget right now, so this was the best I could do on short notice.”

She scoffs at him, but after he leaves she gets bored enough to open one of them. The author did more research into the myths than she’d think for a book aimed at eleven-year-olds, and she’s maybe a little too interested in what happens next because Morse wanders over when she’s just starting the confrontation with Hades, and even though she’s embarrassed, she doesn’t put the book down. “Glad you’re enjoying them,” Morse says with a smirk.

“Well, what else am I supposed to do?” Kara says stonily. “Unless you can get a TV in here.”

“I might be able to pull some strings.” Morse eases herself down in the chair next to her bed. “How are you doing?”

Kara shrugs. “I have three holes in my stomach. People keep telling me I was brainwashed and my dead boyfriend didn’t really love me. The only people I see are nurses and Coulson and you. The usual.”

Morse snorts. “Hey, there’s something to be said for holes in your organs.” She pats the lump under her shirt where the bandage covers her torso. “Better to have them than to not have any organs, eh?”

“Maybe,” grunts Kara. She swallows. “Why do you come over here to talk to me?” Morse’s bed is on the other side of the room, and it’s not really a long walk, but if you’re on crutches…

Shrugging, Morse replies, “Curiosity. You’re as bored as I am, so I might as well.”

Kara shakes her head. “You’re awfully forgiving of the fact that I _tortured_ you. And that I still hate you.”

“That’s okay,” Morse says. “All the shit they put in your head, I don’t blame you. But I want you to know that someone still cares about you, beyond all Coulson’s vague warm fuzzies.”

Wrinkling her nose, Kara says, “Even if the things people tell me are true, why wouldn’t they just let me die after I did...all the things I did?” She knows exactly what _things_. She remembers them all. She’s not interested in saying them out loud.

“Some of them wanted to,” admits Morse. She’s not pulling punches, and that makes Kara respect her more. “Hartley and I argued to let you stay here and heal instead. Some of the team don’t like it. They say it’s like Ward in the basement all over again.” Kara flinches and Morse continues, “But I don’t agree. Kara, I knew you, the real you, and I’d like to see if we can get her back.”

“That’s very noble of you,” Kara snarks, “but you’ll forgive me if I’m a little skeptical.”

“If you weren’t, I’d know there was no chance of getting you back,” says Morse. She sounds almost...fond? Then she staggers to her feet. “Enjoy your book, Kara,” she says as she leaves.

Kara pretends like she’s very focused on the page and definitely not sneaking glances after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually really like Percy Jackson, but I imagine it would seem ridiculous to an adult who's seriously into Greek mythology.


	16. call me up and let me know that, that my sick guilt is so unwelcome

Sometimes Kara wakes up screaming.

She doesn’t always remember the dreams that caused it, but the terror stays, sometimes for what feels like hours. Tonight she’s lucky - whatever this nightmare was, it doesn’t haunt her once she wakes. She pulls the thin blanket tight around herself, breathing heavily and trying to will herself to calm down.

“Kara?”

She freezes. “M-Morse?” she asks, hating the way it sounds like a whimper.

“Hey.” Morse’s voice across the room is sleepy, warm and almost soothing in the darkness. “Y’need anything?”

“No,” lies Kara. “It’s nothing. J-just gonna go back to sleep.”

“You were screaming,” says Morse. “That’s not nothing.”

Kara groans. “Whatever. Nightmare. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure? I can, I dunno. Tell you a dumb story to help you calm down.”

Kara’s heart is still racing, and she’s not even sure it’s all from the adrenaline anymore. “If you want,” she says, trying for nonchalant.

Morse chuckles. “Okay. So this one time Hunter and Mack and I were on an op and we hung back while Hunter went in undercover. Except the idiot apparently didn’t know the meaning of subtlety and went in wearing a goddamn cowboy hat and boots.”

Despite herself, Kara snorts. “Christ. How’d that turn out?”

“Not as badly as it should have,” admits Bobbi. “We got out okay, but goddamn. Better believe I gave him shit for that for days after.”

“You were married, right? What did you see in him?” Kara asks, even though it’s probably kind of mean. She’s curious, though, and it’s something else to focus on.

Morse laughs, but like it’s not actually that funny. “Sometimes I’m not even sure. We had some good times. Drove each other crazy, but I did love him. It’s one of those things where it doesn’t make any sense and you can’t explain it, but it was real.” She laughs again. “But maybe when you look at relationships from the outside, they’re all bullshit. I dunno.”

“Maybe.” Kara thinks about Grant for a second before pushing that away. “Okay, well, I’m going back to sleep.” She rolls over and then, after a minute, mumbles, “Thanks.”

“Anytime, Kara.”

Morse doesn’t always wake up when she screams or cries. Sometimes Kara tries to hold her breath, listening for any signs that Morse is awake, but getting only soft breathing (once or twice, snoring). She tries not to be disappointed when that happens, clutching at the blanket and doing her best to calm herself. She’s not a kid, of course, and she’s perfectly capable of self-soothing...but she likes it better when Morse talks to her until they both fall asleep again.


	17. desperate, I still can't get you out of my head

After a while she sort of gets used to Morse hanging around.

It’s not every day at first, but every few days Morse wanders over for a little while. Sometimes it’s only a few minutes, sometimes it’s an hour or two. It’s always dependent on what Kara wants. She usually rolls over or shuts her eyes and pretends to be trying to sleep when she’s ready for Morse to leave. Sometimes it’s abrupt - sometimes she reaches her socializing limit for the day abruptly, occasionally Morse says something that pisses her off - but Morse never tries to argue, just tells her goodbye and leaves when she’s not wanted anymore.

Kara would never want her to know, but she starts to look forward to Morse’s visits.

Morse sometimes tells her things about her past - their past. Kara figures it’s better than nothing, and if Morse is making it all up, well, at least she’s a good storyteller. There are worse ways to pass the time. “One time at the Academy,” Morse says today, laughing, “we snuck out because you wanted beer and Cheez-Its or something, but there was a temporary lockdown on the base after 10 PM because of some new security system or something. So you got us fake IDs from god knows where so we could get back in, since only level fives and up could leave base, and ‘borrowed’ Hartley’s bike to get to the grocery store.”

“Jesus,” says Kara, eyes widening. It sounds really dangerous, but it also sounds like the kind of thing she would do. This one she almost wishes she remembered. “Did we make it back?”

“Barely.” Morse grins. “Agent Shaw caught us heading back to your room and I came up with some bullshit story about how we’d found the grocery bags stashed in some hidden supply closet. I’m still not sure he bought it, but he let us go anyway.”

“Damn.” One corner of Kara’s mouth tips up despite herself, but she forces it back down. “Sounds like we had fun.”

“We did.” Morse’s eyes drop for a minute and she almost looks sad. “Our SOs almost suspended us a couple times. But you always looked pitiful and Hartley would relent. I didn’t always get so lucky,” she says, smiling.

“I remember Hartley went pretty hard on me,” says Kara. “She said it was for my own good. Said nobody would put up with bullshit when I was a field agent.”

“Oh, she did,” agrees Morse. “But you could charm her into letting you get away with a lot. Hartley told me once that you were her favorite recruit she ever worked with.”

Kara tilts her head. “So then where is she? Shouldn’t she be down here telling me stories about the good old days too?”

“Maybe.” Morse shrugs. “She’s been pretty busy since she was the only one of the three of us that got out of that day without a big hole in her. Coulson’s got her picking up the slack for me. She’s been in a couple times, but you were asleep.”

Kara snorts. “You’re a terrible liar.”

“I’m actually not,” Morse replies, “but I’ve always been shit at lying to you. So, alright, here’s the truth. Hartley was pretty shaken up, seeing you...the way you were. She wants to believe there’s still good in you, but she’s asked not to have to interact with you too much until we know for sure if you’ve, well, recovered or not.”

That shouldn’t hurt as much as it does. Kara’s memories of SHIELD are still fuzzy, like when you’re a kid and your mom or dad is showing you a photograph of something that happened and you only remember little flashes of the day it was taken, but she remembers Hartley. She remembers the proud looks on Hartley’s face when she first pinned someone twice her size, and after they returned from her first successful field mission. Morse might have been lying about the escapades they got up to together, but she’s not lying about Hartley.

Still, she refuses to let Morse see how she’s feeling. She sets her jaw and says, “Makes sense. She wants to make sure I’m not going to turn on any of you.”

“Essentially.” Morse smiles wryly. “Which is a concern, but I’m less concerned than everyone else.”

“Why?”

“It’s like I said, Kara,” replies Morse. “I used to know the real you, and I know she’s still in there somewhere.”

Something in Kara’s chest starts to ache, and she turns over on her side, back to Morse, and says quietly, “I’m tired.”

“Okay,” says Morse, and Kara can hear her gathering her crutches. “See you tomorrow.”

Kara kind of hates how her heart does something funny at that word.

\---

One day, Kara gets up the nerve to say, “The first day you came, you said...you said I used to be in love with you. Is that true?”

Morse sighs. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. That was totally inappropriate of me to bring up.”

“Whatever,” says Kara, rolling her eyes. “I don’t care about that. Was it _true_?”

Morse looks her dead in the eye and says, “Yes. You were in love with me. I was in love with you. We dated when we were both recruits, then we broke it off when I started field work, then we both ended up on Coulson’s team and started it up again.”

Kara tilts her head. “Why?”

“Do you want the honest truth? It doesn’t make you look good,” says Morse. Kara bristles, but she respects Morse more for laying it out there, and she nods.

“After I’d been in the field for a few months, I got a call from you in the middle of the night. You were pretty torn up, and after I managed to calm you down I offered to call you once we’d both slept some. I texted, but I didn’t hear from you again until we both ended up on Coulson’s team. Then we decided to give it another chance.”

Kara can feel herself start to blush. She hates it. “Ew,” she says. “You’re making that up.”

“I’m not,” replies Morse. “But if you’d rather believe that I am, I get it.”

She really, really would. “I’d never do something like that,” she retorts.

Morse shrugs. “Whatever you want to believe. I know you think I’m making most of this up, and that’s okay. Let me know if you don’t wanna hear about it.” She staggers to her feet. “I think we’re done for today, I’m gonna have a nap.”

“Bye,” grunts Kara, trying not to feel sad when Morse leaves.


	18. yes your shadow, it was made for me

Kara’s coming around, Bobbi can tell.

Slowly. Agonizingly so. But Bobbi knows how long it can take to undo brainwashing. Hell, she didn’t even believe any of the bullshit she was spewing at Hydra and it took her weeks to fully flush it from her mind once she got out. And after what Kara endured...it’s a miracle she’s got any of her former self left at all.

But she does. Bobbi can see it when Kara smirks at her, or when she says something snarky in response to Bobbi. Once Bobbi’s favoring her injured side more than usual and Kara asks if she’s okay, then immediately looks embarrassed about it. “I’m fine,” says Bobbi, trying to play it cool. But that’s the first time Kara’s shown concern for someone since she got back, and that’s huge.

People don’t come to visit Kara that often. It’s usually Coulson, and Bobbi can tell Kara’s not that fond of him. (Not that she blames her.) Once, while Isabelle’s visiting Bobbi (with a beer, which Bobbi sneaks a sip from even though it would give her doctors fits), Bobbi says, “Y’know, you could go talk to her a little.”

Isabelle glances across the room, where Kara’s sleeping. (Probably. Bobbi’s gotten pretty good at telling when she’s faking sleep, but you never really know.) “I could,” she says, looking unconvinced.

“Izzy.” Bobbi stares, unblinking. “She’s still herself.”

“You keep saying that,” says Isabelle.

“It’s true.”

“How do you know?”

Bobbi swallows the angry growl that’s threatening to slip out. “I just do, okay? I’ve been talking to her for a month, and she’s angry and sad, but sometimes she’ll do something and I just...it’s her, Iz. Whatever Hydra did to her, she’s still Kara.”

“You’re remarkably nonchalant about the fact that she _kidnapped_ and _tortured_ you,” snarks Isabelle.

“Yeah, because that _wasn’t_ her,” insists Bobbi. “None of us have clean consciences, Izzy. We’ve all done shit that we wouldn’t want brought up at Thanksgiving dinner. But not all of us were subjected to months of brainwashing, either.”

Isabelle tips her head. “Fair point, I guess. Look, you wanna keep at it, be my guest. Just make sure _you’re_ getting patched up too, okay? There’s only so much punching May and I can do on our own.”

Bobbi snorts. “Please. You don’t miss my staves. Remember when I hit you clean in the eye with one of ‘em?”

“Of course, I had a black eye for two weeks.” Isabelle smirks. “Look, I’m gonna get something to eat. You want me to stop by later?”

“If you want.” Bobbi shrugs. “It’s not exactly party central down here.”

Isabelle chuckles as she leaves.

A couple hours later, Bobbi’s napping when she hears Isabelle’s voice and opens her eyes. Izzy’s not by her bed, so she sits up, looking around for her friend. Finally, she spots her...next to Kara’s bed, talking quietly to her.

Bobbi smiles and lays back down, closing her eyes. If she concentrated, she could probably get the gist of what Isabelle was saying, but she won’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey remember how fandom loooooooooves Bucky Barnes but hates Kara
> 
> yeah


	19. so speak up, this is your last chance my friend, roll the windows down and take me in

Isabelle comes to see Morse fairly regularly. Not Kara, though. Once Isabelle smiled at her as she walked by on her way to Morse’s bed, but it was tight, nervous. Kara watched her as she went to Morse, flopped down on the chair next to Bobbi’s bed, completely relaxed. She’s there two, three times a week sometimes. Not usually for more than an hour, but Kara notices. Isabelle and Morse talk and laugh and Kara tries to pretend she isn’t watching out of the corner of her eye.

Jealous isn’t the right word. Her memories of Isabelle are as uneven as all her other memories of SHIELD, and from what Morse said, Isabelle doesn’t trust her anymore. Might never trust her. It’s smart, but Kara tries to pretend it doesn’t hurt as much as it does.

And then one day Isabelle comes in and sits next to Kara’s bed instead.

“Hi,” she says, not warmly. But then, Isabelle was never what Kara would call warm before, and why should she be now?

“Hi.” Kara keeps her tone even and careful. “This is unexpected.”

“Yeah.” Isabelle laughs, a bit nervously. “I’ve been a jackass.”

Kara stares at her. unblinking. “I won’t argue with you.”

“I won’t offer excuses,” continues Isabelle. “Just an apology for not coming sooner. Bobbi says you’re still yourself. I don’t know if I entirely believe it, or trust you yet, but I trust her.”

“It’s okay,” says Kara with a smirk, “I’m not sure if I trust her, but I trust you.”

“Well, aren’t we a pair.” Isabelle grins. “I can promise you I won’t try to stab you in the back, at least.”

That makes Kara laugh. “That’s something, anyway. More than I expected.”

They fall into an awkward silence for a while. Then Isabelle says, “D’you hear about what happened to Skye and Trip?”

Skye. Trip. Kara remembers those names, vaguely. “No,” she asks warily, “what happened?” Isabelle wouldn’t phrase it that way if they were dead, but…

“So apparently the both of them have some kind of alien ancestry or something? These creatures called Inhumans. And Skye was looking for her parents, you know, and then when her dad actually showed up…”

Isabelle tells her the story, Kara reacting every so often and eyes getting wider. “So...they have superpowers,” she says, once Isabelle seems to be done.

Isabelle nods. “Wild, isn’t it? Skye has trouble explaining it, but it’s something about the molecules, she can move them around, I don’t know. It’s complicated. And Trip, god, we all thought he was dead, and then he sauntered back up a few days later like nothing had happened. It's adaptation, or regeneration, or something.”

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah.” Isabelle rolls her eyes. “So Coulson’s got the two of them learning about their powers and stuff, and we’ll see where that goes. We don’t know whether there might be more Inhumans out there, too, so that’s fun.”

“Sounds like I missed a lot,” says Kara.

“You did,” agrees Isabelle. “Don’t do that again, alright? I’m not a very good storyteller.”

Kara snorts. “I think you did just fine, Hartley.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've decided Trip can have Darwin's powers because X-Men First Class never gave two fucks about Darwin and neither did the comics, and I wanted Trip to live.


	20. you bring it up and bring it in and we'll get you fixed up in no time

One morning, after Kara’s well enough to get out of bed and walk around for a little while if she wants to, a laptop on a caddy is wheeled over by her bed. Morse comes over, smiling. “I told you I’d get you a TV,” she says. “I mean, it’s close enough. Better, actually, because Netflix doesn’t make you to get up and put new DVDs in or whatever.”

Kara smirks. “Yeah, I guess that’s true. This wasn’t just for me, though, was it?”

Morse shrugs, smiling bigger. “Not entirely, but you can have first crack at it.”

“Really?” Kara picks up the sticky note with the email and password info on it that’s stuck to the laptop and opens it to power it up.

“Oh my god,” sighs Morse with a roll of her eyes and a laugh, “that’s the same fucking password Coulson uses for _everything_ for this team. Wifi password, comm check in, now apparently the Netflix password.”

“Damn,” says Kara, typing in the login info ( _Cap1918_ is the password) and grinning as the laptop flickers to life. “That makes sense.”

“Anyway,” says Morse, “I just wanted to let you know you had first crack. I get it tomorrow.” She’s trying to sound stern, but her smile is sort of ruining that.

Kara rolls her eyes. “Or what, you’ll tell on me?”

“Hey, I’m more mobile than you. I can just come over here and take it.”

“That’d be an asshole thing to do,” counters Kara.

“I mean, yeah, but I could do it,” says Morse cheerfully.

Kara snorts and, after logging into the account, stares at it for a minute. It’s not that she doesn’t know what she likes, but...it’s been awhile before she’s used Netflix, they might not have the same stuff they did before, and she hasn’t had time to watch most of the newer movies or TV shows lately. Finally, she hesitantly taps out “amelie” into the search bar, happy to see it’s still there. Then she glances at Morse. “You could, uh, join me. If you want.”

Morse smirks. “If I didn’t know better, Palamas, I’d say you wanted me around.”

“You should know better,” Kara says, but there’s not as much bite as she thought there would be. “It’s just - seems like an asshole thing to do, not inviting you.”

“Okay.” Morse pulls the chair over so she’s facing the screen. “ _Amelie_ , huh? You showed me this once.”

“I did?” Kara’s seen it a bunch of times, it’s a favorite of hers, but she doesn’t share it with just anyone.

“Yeah. It’s pretty good. I don’t mind watching it again.”

Kara plays the movie and tries to push that new information aside for now.

When it finishes, Morse stretches and starts to move. “Alright, I’ll leave you to it-”

“You pick something,” Kara says, not quite sure why she says it.

Morse looks at her, eyebrow raised. “Really? It’s your turn.”

“I know, but…” Kara squirms uncomfortably. “You should pick something to watch now.”

Morse shrugs and scoots a little closer to the laptop to type something. “Fuck, are you kidding me? Why isn’t _Shaun of the Dead_ on streaming? Okay, fine, there’s _Hot Fuzz_ , that okay?”

Kara shrugs. “I guess. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it.”

“Okay, I _know_ I showed you _Shaun_ , how did you...whatever. This one’s great.” Morse clicks on it and settles back into her chair.

Truth be told, it’s not the kind of movie Kara would have watched on her own, but it is funny. What Kara’s almost enjoying more, though, is watching Morse watch it. Morse is laughing her ass off and even clapping a little at some parts. She’s smiling bigger than Kara remembers seeing her smile and every now and then she glances at Kara, like she wants to make sure Kara’s having a good time too.

It’s...it’s really stupid but Kara can feel her heart starting to do weird things, and she’s not sure she’s supposed to like it.

When it’s over, Morse says, “God, I love that movie. What’d you think?” And she turns that bright smile on Kara, and Kara’s _really_ not expecting that, and she kind of makes a little gasping noise before she can stop herself.

She covers it up quickly with a cough and a grin that feels a little pasted on. “It was good,” she agrees. “Maybe I wouldn’t have watched it on my own, but...thanks, I enjoyed it.”

“Good.” Morse works her way to a standing position. “Well, not that I’m not having fun, but my ass is screaming at me for sitting on this chair for like five hours, and it’s about lunch time anyway. I’m gonna head back to my space, okay?”

Kara hates how disappointed she feels. “Alright,” she replies, trying for nonchalant. “See you later.”

“Later, Kara,” says Morse, flashing her one last smile. Kara quickly buries her nose in a book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> US Netflix only has 1/3 of the Cornetto Trilogy on streaming and that is a goddamn shame.
> 
> Also I forgot how regular people who didn't meet over the internet fall in love, so, uh, Netflix it is.


	21. in the door, can I hear you saying you don't wanna fight?

It becomes a thing they do together. 

Morse - Bobbi - Kara’s not sure how to think of her anymore - she’s started inviting Kara to join her in watching stuff, and hell, it’s not like there’s anything  _ else  _ to do. Morse usually sits on her chair next to Kara’s bed, sitting up straight or sprawled on the chair, but once she kind of lolls her head in Kara’s direction and Kara wonders how it would feel to have Morse’s - Bobbi’s - head resting on her shoulder.

This kind of freaks her out, so she decides to ignore that impulse and instead says, “Getting sleepy?” She meant it to sound kind of mean, but it doesn’t.

Morse tosses her head and grins. “Please. You wish. You just want to take the laptop for yourself.”

“It’s crossed my mind,” says Kara. Then she winks at Morse. For some ungodly reason. What possessed her face to do that, she has no idea.

Morse smirks. “Not today, Palamas. You’re stuck with  _ Tremors 5. _ ”

Kara sighs exaggeratedly. “ _ Fine _ . I’m getting you back for this shit later. I’m gonna find the twee-est bullshit and make you watch it.”

Morse makes a noise that kind of sounds like a giggle. It’s adorable, and Kara hates herself for thinking that. 

After about a week they run out of movies either of them has heard of or cares about. “I guess there’s always TV,” Morse says, a little hesitantly.

“I haven’t seen any TV in months,” says Kara, and it’s true. 

“Well, what are you feeling? Cop stuff? Drama? Comedy?  _ Once Upon a Time _ ?” Morse’s smirk is audible at the last suggestion.

Kara can’t help but laugh. “God, no. My mom loves that show. Um, a comedy might be okay?” It’s definitely not because she kind of likes Morse’s laugh.

“Alright.” Morse scrolls until she hits TV Comedies. “ _ Pysch _ is harmless and kinda cheesy, I never really liked  _ Friends... _ hey, there’s your twee,” she jokes, hovering the cursor over  _ New Girl. _ “Manic Pixie Dream Girl, the show.”

“ _ No, _ ” groans Kara, grinning despite herself.

“Oh, hey, I hear good things about  _ Parks and Recreation _ . It’s like  _ The Office _ but government workers. It’s seven seasons so it’ll take us a while, too. You up for it?”

“Sure.”

They breeze through almost all of the first season (it’s only six episodes) before Morse groans, “God, I need to request a better cushion or a La-Z-Boy or something down here. This chair is just not cutting it for my ass.”

Kara snorts. “I’m sorry for your troubles, Morse.”

“I’ll live,” grumbles Morse. “My ass is definitely gonna fall asleep though.”

Kara’s quiet for a minute or two, then she coughs and says, “Y’know, if I moved over a little there’d be room for you. If you want it.” It’s true. The bed is just big enough for two, if they squeeze a little.

“Are you trying to get me into bed, Palamas?” Morse asks, eyebrow raised. She’s obviously joking, but Kara feels her cheeks warm all the same, which she hates.

“In your dreams,” she snaps, reaching to pause the episode. “I’d just rather you not have to lie on the floor while your ass wakes up. You’d look stupid.”

Morse laughs and Kara slowly scoots herself over to give her room. Morse eases herself onto the bed, very careful, until she’s settled in next to Kara. “Might regret this once I have to get down,” she jokes, “but my ass already thanks you, Kara.”

Meanwhile, Kara has gone stiff, acutely aware of everywhere Morse’s body is touching hers. “You’re welcome,” she grunts, and pushes play.

\---

Usually a doctor brings them food, but today it’s apparently Simmons. “Oh!” she says, almost dropping the trays when she enters the room. “Er, is everything...all right?” She eyes them a little warily, like she’s not sure if they’re sitting close together because maybe Kara is thinking about stabbing Morse in the back.

Morse glances over, smiling. “Yeah, Kara and I are watching something and she offered to let me sit in her bed because the chair was killing me.”

“Well! Isn’t that nice.” Kara can hear the shock in Simmons’ voice and it irritates her. “Anyhow, here’s your lunches.” Simmons passes over the first tray, pausing for a minute while she considers where to put the second. 

“Here, I’ll just take it,” Morse says. “Thanks, Jemma.”

“Of course! Enjoy yourselves.” And with one last smile, Simmons leaves.

Kara feels hot and uncomfortable as she begins to pick at her sandwich. Morse doesn’t seem to notice her discomfort, downing half of her food in five minutes. “Sorry,” she apologizes once she comes up for air. “I guess I was hungry.”

“Whatever,” says Kara. She feels like they’ve been caught doing something bad, even though that’s ridiculous. 

Morse seems to get sleepy about an hour after she finishes eating. “Um,” she says, blinking slowly. “I guess I’ll work my way off of here and stumble back to my own bed, huh?”

Kara shrugs. “You don’t have to, I guess. Seems silly to waste all that energy when you’re already comfortable.”

Morse raises an eyebrow. “You’re sure you don’t mind? I don’t want it to be weird, I know…” She trails off, apparently unsure how to finish the sentence.

“It’s fine,” Kara says. “Nap. I’ll read or something.”

“Okay.” Morse settles in next to her and closes her eyes. “I better not wake up with something stabbed into my trachea.”

“And get blood on my outfit? Please,” snorts Kara. Morse chuckles before going quiet.

Kara definitely  means to read - the book is within reach. But, well, she’s already read it twice already and how many times can you reread the chapters about Artemis and her huntresses before your brain dribbles out your ears? She glances around, seeing if there’s anything else to hold her attention, but her gaze keeps drifting back to Morse. Morse seems utterly peaceful in sleep, breathing slowly, eyelids twitching every now and then. It’s kind of…

_ Beautiful _ is definitely not a thought Kara wants to be thinking about a woman she’s hated for months, but there it is, all of a sudden. Or maybe not so suddenly.

Kara groans and lays down, turning so her back is to Morse. Whatever is going on with her, she sure as hell doesn’t want Morse to know about it.


	22. you're my daydream, does it make you homesick for me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHIELD's demonstrated mental health policies/accommodations are fucking abysmal so I fixed that too. Also isn't it nice how they hired Andrew full-time as team psychologist and none of the Lash stuff happened and he and Melinda were happy (but unfortunately not in this fic because I didn't have time). Isn't that nice.
> 
> Oh and, uh, more Ward stuff in this chapter. I wasn't sure it was my place to write her realization of exactly how abusive their relationship was, but I did my best to let her grieve what she thought was love and realize it wasn't and then move on. I don't think she's in a place to admit everything to herself yet here, but I apologize in advance for any oversight on my part.

Ever since she’s recovered enough to get out of the bed for short periods, she’s been having twice-weekly sessions with Andrew, which consist mostly of her glaring at him and sometimes saying something semi-sarcastic. (The most annoying thing about this is that he seems to know exactly what she’s not saying, and he knows how to ask her questions to make her elaborate.) 

Pretty early on, just to see what he’ll do, she says, “I still miss Grant.”

He makes what she’s starting to think of as Sympathetic Therapist Face. “That’s understandable. I think when we lose someone we love abruptly, we never fully ‘get over’ it. We just learn to move on.”

She rolls her eyes. “Kinda hard to do that when I know the person who  _ killed  _ him.”

“We’re not here to talk about what Agent May did, or what Grant did,” he says gently. “We’re here to talk about you and how you’re feeling.”

“I’m feeling like my boyfriend is dead and I miss him and it sucks,” she snaps.

“That’s valid. You’ve been through a lot of trauma. Have you given any thought to the things Coulson told you about Grant Ward?”

_ It’s not like I’ve had that much  _ else _ to do, _ she almost says, but instead she says, “I guess so. I haven’t had a lot of time lately to...mope, I guess, because of B- Morse.”

“Really?” Andrew raises an eyebrow. “You haven’t mentioned her much.”

Kara shrugs. “Wasn’t relevant. Aren’t I supposed to be talking about my  _ brainwashing _ ?”

“You can talk about whatever you want to talk about. What do you and Agent Morse do that keeps your mind off of things?”

“Well, she used to come over and annoy me into talking to her, and then we got the laptop with Netflix so we watch stuff, I guess.” Kara keeps her tone nonchalant. 

“Do you like that?”

“It passes the time. We’re in the middle of  _ Parks and Recreation _ season two right now, it’s pretty good.”

“Interesting choice,” says Andrew. “So how long have you been watching things with Agent Morse?”

“Dunno, a couple weeks maybe? We don’t have a calendar down there or anything.”

He chuckles. “That’s fine, I was just curious. I’m glad you have something nice to look forward to every day.”

She shrugs again. 

\---

The more she talks with Andrew, and the more she thinks about it, the harder it is to remember why she hated Morse so much. 

She knows what Whitehall and Bakshi told her. She knows what Grant told her. But the video of her abduction...that’s hard to argue with. Not to mention, Morse has been the person who’s talked to her the most while she’s been in recovery. It’s easy to hate the concept of a person you’ve built in your head. It’s harder when they’re sitting at your bedside and beside you in bed, and smiling and you and laughing and running their fingers through their  _ stupid _ pretty hair...

She doesn’t really mean to say this, but she asks him during one session, “If you’ve lost someone, when is it okay to, um, start thinking about someone else? In the same way, I mean.”

“It’s different for everyone,” says Andrew, his face carefully neutral. “Like I’ve said before, moving on is an important part of grief. We have to acknowledge that the person we loved is gone, and that focusing on that fact will only hurt us in the long run. For some people, a new relationship can help them in the healing process, while others take years to be ready for that level of emotional vulnerability again.”

Kara sighs. “You’re  _ supposed _ to give me an easy answer. Six months, a year, whatever.”

Andrew chuckles. “You know that’s not how it works, Kara. There isn’t one answer that works for everyone.”

“Whatever.” Kara snorts. “It’s not important.”

“Isn’t it?” Andrew asks. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but if you do, I’m happy to listen. I think having romantic feelings for someone else is a good sign.”

“I didn’t say they were romantic,” Kara snaps. “Who would there even be for me to fall in love with, anyway? Coulson? You?  _ Morse _ ?”

Morse’s voice comes back to her:  _ you used to be in love with me. _

Andrew shrugs. “I don’t know, that’s up to you, I suppose. I don’t want to pressure you into talking about anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“Good,” says Kara. “I think I’m done for today.”

\---

She  _ doesn’t  _ want to forget Grant, not at all. But she’s starting to see how her rage fed into his, and his into hers, and how sometimes he convinced her to go further than she would have on her own. She doesn’t regret what they did to Bakshi at all, but Morse…

She’s starting to regret that.

Once, while Morse is in a PT session, she spends half an hour googling “how to apologize when you’ve done something terrible.” Obviously nobody’s written an article about how to apologize after you’ve  _ tortured _ someone, but some of the advice is helpful.

And when Morse comes back, grumbling half-heartedly about how sore she is, Kara helps her get into bed and they watch an episode of  _ Parks. _

Then, Kara pauses it at the beginning of the next one.

“Hey, is something the matter?” Morse asks, raising an eyebrow. “Are we stopping already?”

“No, it’s just…” Kara takes a deep breath and looks her right in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Morse frowns, but doesn’t say anything.

“I was so...angry when I escaped Hydra. I wanted someone to blame for what happened to me. It was Bakshi, and then it was you. I...I let Grant tell me it was you because I wanted to believe it, I  _ needed _ to believe it. But I was wrong.” 

She swallows. Morse is still watching her, letting her talk.

“We’ve spent enough time together since...whenever we were both brought here that I feel like I’m getting to know you pretty well. Maybe not the way we used to know each other, the way you say we were, but still. I’ve seen that you’re not the kind of person that would abandon a teammate. I’m...I’m sorry for ever thinking you would be, and I’m sorry for everything I...I did to you.”

Kara drops her gaze, fiddling with the blanket. Morse is quiet for a long moment, still looking at her. It makes Kara more than a little uncomfortable, but she thinks maybe she deserves that. (She probably deserves a lot worse.)

She’s not sure what to expect. Morse might tell her to fuck off. Morse might get out of bed and go back to her own bed and never speak to Kara again. Morse might call Coulson or Andrew to look at her with those pitying looks Kara hates.

Finally Morse says, “Kara, I forgave you a long time ago.”

Kara blinks. “What?”

“I’m not gonna lie, it’s been a hell of a time and I’ve had some nasty thoughts here and there. But I knew that the rage and hatred you felt - that’s not all you are, Kara. Hydra convinced you that you were some kind of monster, but you’re not. And the fact that you’re apologizing to me proves that the girl I knew was still in there.” Morse smiles at her. “That’s why I fought for them to rehabilitate you. I knew you’d be able to find your way back to yourself.”

Kara’s more than a little overwhelmed, and she’s unable to say anything but, “Why?”

Morse shrugs. “It’s cliche, but I believed in you. And I still loved you.”

Kara feels her mouth go dry. “Loved?”  _ Not love _ ?

“Look, I don’t wanna push you into anything,” Morse says. “If you want, you can put this whole conversation out of your head and I’ll never bring any of it up again. I just wanted you to know that I forgave you and I’m in your corner if you want me there.”

Squirming, Kara finally nods. “Thanks,” she says awkwardly. It’s nowhere near close to what she wants to say, but she also knows that saying  _ that _ would be a terrible mistake. “Let’s, uh, let’s watch more?”

“Okay.” Morse smiles at her again and she somehow finds the presence of mind to push play.

Three episodes later, Morse - Bobbi - says, “Alright, naptime for me. I’ll leave you alone now.”

_ Don’t _ , thinks Kara, but she says, “See you later...Bobbi.”

Bobbi doesn’t comment, but Kara catches her smile as she limps away.


	23. you’re only meant to hurt once in a while, who gave you reason?

She does some more thinking about Grant. It hurts, but she does it anyway.

“Did you ever meet him?” she asks Andrew.

Andrew shakes his head. “Just heard some things, from Coulson and Skye. I read his old file.”

“What did you think of him from that?”

“Well, I thought he sounded like someone who was in a lot of pain, but who made choices that hurt himself and others. I imagine he told you a lot about his childhood.”

“Yes,” she says, a lump in her throat. “It sounded horrible.”

“It was, I’m sure. But that doesn’t excuse his actions. He murdered several people and attempted to kill many more. Psychologically, I’m sure he felt that was the only way to respond to his pain, but that’s not true at all.”

Kara shakes her head. “I...I understood it, though. The way he explained it, it made so much sense. He’d been through so much, and so had I, and I guess...I guess I thought nobody else would ever understand the way he did.”

“That makes sense,” says Andrew gently. “I see how that could have helped you in some ways. And you’ve said he helped you remember your past, right?”

“Yes.” Kara hates the way her eyes have suddenly started burning. “He...he helped track down my mom’s number because I didn’t have it, and he got her to send me some old pictures so I could fix my face, and...and he loved me even though I looked…”

Andrew nods. “I understand. He made you feel loved and desirable even when you didn’t feel like you were worthy of that.”

“I guess.” She sighs. “I don’t feel like I can talk about him with anyone else, though. Coulson and Bobbi make faces if I try.”

“Well, you can talk about him with me,” Andrew says. “I think it’s an important part of your healing process.”

\---

“Bobbi said when she knew me before, I was gay,” she says hesitantly. “But I loved Grant, I  _ know _ I did. Is that possible?”

“Human sexuality is really not my area of expertise,” jokes Andrew, smiling, “but I know that can be very complicated and fluid at different times and for different reasons. I’ve heard of women who identify as gay falling in love with men, and vice versa. Same for people who identify as straight. I also know that trauma can affect one’s sexuality in unpredictable ways - perhaps your feelings for Grant were situational due to the traumatic experiences you’d recently been through, or perhaps you’re attracted to women in general and only a specific few men. That’s something you’re going to have to figure out for yourself, I think. You're the one who determines your identity.”

Kara groans. “ _ You’re _ no help.”

Andrew chuckles. “Sorry. I’m willing to listen if you want to talk through it, but your orientation isn’t something I can diagnose. You’ll have to sort it out.”

So Kara starts thinking.

She doesn’t remember having feelings for anyone before Grant, which seems odd when she realizes it. “Do you know if I was with anyone else besides you?” she asks Bobbi. “Before, I mean. I don’t remember that.”

Bobbi, clearly startled, says, “Uh, yeah, I mean I don’t know who exactly, but you mentioned a couple girls in high school. I think Lizzie was one of them? And you said you tried dating some other girls after we broke up, but you didn’t click with any of them. Sorry, I don’t know much more than that.” She looks sad.

Kara shrugs. “It’s okay, I’m just...I don’t remember anyone before Grant.”

“I’m sorry,” Bobbi says. “I don’t know if you’d ever been with guys before, but you didn’t mention any.”

Tilting her head, Kara says, “I thought Simmons said SHIELD got all the Hydra brainwashing out of me.”

“Weren’t you faking that?” asks Bobbi dryly, but then she adds, “The only thing I can think is that maybe Whitehall repressed your memories of liking women when he did all that other shit to your head.”

That makes Kara shudder unexpectedly. “Is that possible?”

Bobbi shrugs, eyes sad. “I don’t know, honestly. Ask Dr. Garner.” She moves her hand as if to pat Kara sympathetically, but then stops. “You wanna watch more?”

“Yeah,” sighs Kara, turning back to the laptop.

\---

She doesn’t tell Andrew about the dreams she had about Morse - Bobbi - while she was with Grant, but she does when she starts having other, similar dreams.

“That’s interesting,” says Andrew. “Do these dreams feel familiar to you?”

“Sort of?” she says, and it’s true, they do. The girls in them are more ideas than anything - sometimes she gets a sense of what they look like, hair or eyes or skin, but it’s just a glimpse. Most often, the girl she’s with is blonde. “I mean, they don’t feel bad. They feel...normal.”

“That might be pieces of your repressed memories, but of course I can’t be sure of that. Maybe try keeping a log of all of them, and anything else similar that happens to you during the day. You might start experiencing small flashbacks triggered by smell or sound, for example.”

It’s dorky, but Kara starts writing them down. She starts asking Bobbi for more stories too. “What did we do for dates?”

“Whatever we could,” says Bobbi with a shrug. “I mean, it wasn’t like we had a lot of freedom while at the Academy. We had movie nights a lot, we sometimes hung out in the cafeteria for dinner, a couple times we snuck out to do stuff. For my birthday once, you got us both a day off and we went to Six Flags.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, we found out you can’t handle coasters for shit ‘cause we went on two and then you barfed.” Bobbi grins. “But I took you back to the base and we cuddled, so that was nice.”

Kara smiles, despite herself. “It sounds nice.” She can’t quite keep the sadness out of her voice.

“I’m sorry you don’t remember,” Bobbi says. “You can ask me anything you want, okay? I’ll do my best.”

“Thanks.” Kara hesitates for a moment, then puts her hand on Bobbi’s arm. “Um, I appreciate it.”

She hadn’t really been planning that, but Bobbi smiles back, and that makes it okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the sexuality stuff, I don't think I fucked up egregiously but please let me know if I did. (I think Kara's only into women, personally, but I didn't really have her come to a definite conclusion in-story.)


	24. anyone could make us seem reckless, tell us we will crash

“Y’know, I hated Andy at first, but he’s gotten way better,” remarks Bobbi when they’re in the middle of season four.

Kara nods. “Yeah, he was pretty creepy but now he and April are...really cute.” She tries not to sound wistful.

“I mean, I don’t usually care much about fictional couples, but they’re actually realistic and they like each other and shit.” Bobbi snorts. “Weirdly, this seems to be a foreign concept for writers.”

Kara chuckles and replies, “Yeah, I guess so. Always seemed weird to me. I like this show though, it’s - it’s cute.” She winces at how lame that sounds.

“Is it,” Bobbi agrees, grinning. “I know it’s probably not your normal speed, but thanks for watching it with me.”

Shrugging, Kara says, “I mean, it’s good? I don’t watch a lot of sitcoms.”

“Neither do I, but it’s nice to have something colorful and low-energy to focus on.”

“Yeah.” Kara hesitates before saying, “Um, do you mind if I put my pillow on your shoulder or something? I’m...getting sleepy.”

“Sure.” Bobbi’s voice is weirdly quiet, gentle even, and it makes Kara bristle a little, but she reaches for her pillow and tries a couple times to arrange it on Bobbi’s shoulder before finally giving up and tossing it back where it was.

“Whatever,” she sighs, just resting her head on Bobbi’s shoulder itself.

Bobbi chuckles. “Comfy?”

“Yeah,” says Kara. “I mean, your shoulder’s definitely not the softest place I’ve put my head,” she adds quickly, “but this is, uh, really nice, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

They stay like that until Bobbi shifts under her three episodes later and says, “Alright, time for PT. Later, Kara.”

“Bye,” Kara says, hating the way she can feel her cheeks burning.

\---

_“Hey,” says Bobbi. They’re walking in a field, holding hands. Kara feels safe. “I love you.”_

_“I love you too,” says Kara, and it’s the most natural thing in the world. She leans up to kiss Bobbi on the lips, and then suddenly they’re laying down and kissing and neither of them have any clothes on and they’re moving against each other and…_

Kara wakes up, panting a little. _Fuck._

After that, she’s even more awkward around Bobbi, though they keep watching _Parks_ together. But Kara feels it every time they brush hands, every time Bobbi shifts against her in the bed. It’s _so_ frustrating and what she really wants to do is grab Bobbi and kiss her, but she recognizes that might not go over very well, and she doesn’t want to fuck up the closest thing she has to a friendship.

Of course, Bobbi is not making that easy, especially when she casually slips her hand over Kara’s during the last few minutes of the season finale, when Leslie is awaiting the campaign results. “It sounds dumb, but I’m kinda wrapped up in it,” she admits, grinning. “You don’t mind, do you?”

Kara swallows. “N-no, go ahead.”

Bobbi squeezes her hand and Kara has to bite her lip to keep herself from making a noise.

\---

Isabelle comes to visit Kara more often now, and because this week it happens during one of Bobbi’s checkups, Kara casually asks, “How do you tell a girl you, um, like her?”

Isabelle raises an eyebrow. “From what I remember, you never had any problem with that before.”

Kara shrugs, biting her lip. “I...I don’t remember any of that. I don’t remember anything like that before Grant.”

“Oh.” Isabelle frowns. “I didn’t know.” She shakes her head and adds, “Well, this certainly isn’t a conversation I ever expected to have with one of my ex-trainees. Or anybody.”

“We don’t have to,” says Kara. “I just thought you might know...because of…” She trails off. She knows about Victoria, of course, and she doesn’t want to bring up a sore spot.

Isabelle laughs, and maybe it sounds a little bitter. “Yeah, I’ve certainly had my fair share of women. It’s not me, is it? That’s generally frowned upon, you know, even if I’m not your SO anymore.” Her smirk tells Kara she’s not being serious.

Giggling nervously, Kara says, “No, it’s not you, Hartley. Don’t worry.”

“Just making sure.” Isabelle gives her a look like she’s onto her, but all she says is, “Well, what’s this girl like? Or are you asking in general in case you meet someone later?”

“She’s...there might be somebody,” Kara replies. “But I figure since I don’t remember it’s good to know either way?” Even she can hear how ridiculous that sounds.

“Alright. Well, the first thing you need to do is talk to her. Get to know her, make sure you’re still into her after a few conversations. Also try to discreetly make sure she isn’t straight.” Isabelle smirks. “Straight women are a loser’s game. Don’t play it.”

Kara snorts. “Yeah, I can imagine. Don’t worry, I, uh, I’m pretty certain in this case.”

“Okay. So, the next thing is to see how she responds to things like compliments or light touching. Nothing too aggressive, but you can do stuff like brush your hand against her once if you’re handing her something and see how she responds to that. If she seems at all like she’s not into it, knock it off, but that can work. Or tell her her outfit looks nice, or that she has nice eyes. Women go nuts for stuff like that, as long as you’re not creepy about it.”

“Really? Huh.”

“Yeah. Don’t tell me Ward-” Isabelle’s lip curls ever so slightly at the name, but she continues, “-never told you you had pretty eyes.”

“He...he did sometimes, yeah,” says Kara hesitantly. “Thanks, Izzy.” She doesn’t remember using the nickname much before, but since they’re something like coworkers now maybe she should?

“‘Course,” replies Isabelle. “Good luck, kid.” She pats her arm and then gets up to leave.


	25. I won't yield, throw caution into the blaze

Kara keeps putting her head on Bobbi’s shoulder when they’re watching. It’s nice, and Bobbi doesn’t seem to mind in the least. Bobbi’s scent is warm and, even though she’s only recently been able to start using regular shampoo again, her hair smells ever so slightly of flowers or fruit or something else sweet and light.

It’s gross, but Kara hates when Bobbi leaves now.

She thinks maybe if she just kisses her once, she’ll get it over with. Like maybe it’ll be bad, or it’ll feel weird, and she can apologize and blame it on some new drug they’re trying on her or something. Although considering how Bobbi’s acting, it doesn’t seem like she’ll mind…

Ugh, it’s like she’s a nervous teenager and she hates it.

It takes her a few days to decide she really wants to go for it, and then another couple till she works up the nerve. And she wanted to wait for a moment that was all romantic and shit, but what actually ends up happening is that Bobbi pauses the show and turns to ask Kara a question and Kara just kind of...decides _fuck it_ and leans forward to kiss Bobbi’s lips, gentle as she can manage.

Bobbi makes a shocked little noise and Kara immediately pulls back and is like “Fuck, sorry, that was shitty of me, I should’ve...asked or mentioned something or...and now things are gonna be weird and I…”

“Kara.” Bobbi doesn’t sound upset. Kara blinks at her and shuts her mouth and Bobbi continues, “I’m not mad. Not gonna lie, I was kinda hoping this would happen. I thought maybe if we got you away from Hydra and Ward, you might...I dunno, remember me eventually.” Bobbi smiles, but it’s kind of sad. “But then you said you didn’t remember any of the girls.”

“I didn’t,” says Kara. “But then I...I started having these dreams, I talked to Andrew about some of them...he said they might be repressed memories, so I did some thinking and…” She shakes her head. “I still don’t remember much, but I know I have...feelings for you now. And I’m guessing you don’t mind that?” She looks at Bobbi with probably the most pathetic, hopeful expression in the world.

Bobbi chuckles. “I really, really don’t. It’s a total cliche, but I never stopped loving you, Kara.”

Kara’s heart starts racing, like this is a fucking movie or something. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Bobbi hesitates, then adds, “So if you wanted to do it again, I wouldn’t mind.”

Kara’s kissing her almost before she finishes the sentence.

It turns out it’s really difficult to make out on a medical bed that’s barely got enough room for two people, especially when both of you have various injuries that mean you’re supposed to restrict your movement, but they’re still into it enough that they don’t notice when Simmons has come in. She has to cough pretty loudly for Bobbi to pull back, and when they both turn to look at her, Simmons blushing. “Ah,” Simmons says, “Bobbi, we need you upstairs for a few tests, if you, er, aren’t...too busy...goodness that was a terrible choice of words, wasn’t it, you’re obviously busy, but anyhow, when you have a moment if you could just come with me and-”

“Jemma,” Bobbi says, laughing, “take a breath. Give me just a sec and I’ll be ready to go, okay?”

“Okay,” yelps Jemma, obviously still nervous. “Do you, ah, should I give the two of you a moment…?”

“If you wouldn’t mind,” says Kara, sounding more annoyed than she means to.

Jemma scurries away, calling “I’ll be waiting outside, Bobbi!”

Bobbi rolls her eyes. “God, I haven’t been walked in on in years. You really caught me off guard, I’m usually smarter than that.”

“Well, _sorry_ ,” says Kara with a smirk. “You said if I wanted to do it again, you wouldn’t mind.”

“And I meant it.” Bobbi gives her one last quick kiss. “And I wanna do more kissing later. Right now, duty calls.”

“I bet you say that to all the girls,” snarks Kara as Bobbi carefully climbs off the bed.

Her only answer is Bobbi’s laugh.


	26. I know you take the good and all the bad that comes with me

Because the team is tiny and Simmons is terrible at bluffing, word spreads fast. 

“So,” hums Isabelle, when she enters the room. “I hear our lovebirds are back together.”

“Shut up,” Bobbi says fondly, not letting go of Kara’s hand. 

Kara smiles a little shyly. “Shit happens?”

“Oh, I’m not surprised,” says Isabelle, rolling her eyes as she sits back down. “I figured it out when you started asking me how to talk to girls, because you only have regular access to about three women at the moment, unless I’m missing something, and you said it wasn’t me.”

“Okay, so I’m not subtle,” Kara says with a snort. “Did you know this was gonna happen? That I would…”

“Didn’t know. Kinda hoped.” Isabelle shrugs. “You’ve got a hard road ahead of you to prove yourself to the rest of the team, kid, but you’ve already proven yourself to me. I thought maybe if you remembered your feelings for Bobbi, it might help you, and you might be happier and not mope around as much.”

“ _ Mope _ ?” Kara scoffs, but she’s not really offended. “Thanks, Izzy.”

Isabelle nods, then turns to Bobbi. “You think we can put her back on the team once she’s back on her feet?”

“Maybe you should ask  _ her _ that,” Bobbi points out.

“Oh, I’m planning on it. But first I want a report from you, and I know you won’t pull your punches. Do you believe Kara is ready to return to the team, if she wants to?”

Bobbi thinks about it for a moment - it’s long enough that Kara reaches up to nervously fidget with her hair - but then she nods without hesitation. “I would trust her with my life,” she says.

Kara smiles gratefully at her, then turns to Isabelle. “Are you gonna ask me now or are we gonna go on treating me like I’m not here?” she asks, falsely bright.

Isabelle snorts. “I know it’s patronizing, but I wanted to ask her too, and I know she won’t let go of you now that she’s got you back-” Bobbi yelps in protest “- _ and _ I wouldn’t ask her to. But yes, Kara. Are you interested in rejoining the team, if Coulson agrees to it?”

Kara doesn’t answer right away. The last few months have been such a whirlwind, in so many ways, that she almost doesn’t  _ know _ what she wants anymore. Part of her wants to say  _ yes, yes of course, if you’ll have me back _ , and part of her wants to say  _ god no I just want to go home. _ But...where is home, anymore? She could go back to live with her mom...which would be so boring she would go crazy within a month. She could ask for some kind of SHIELD relocation process...and be secretly monitored for probably the rest of her life. And there’s no way Bobbi would come with her if she did either of those things.

Finally she says, “I...I think I am. I’m still not sure.”

Nodding, Isabelle says, “That’s fine, I figured you wouldn’t be. But I wanted to mention it, since your recovery seems to be going well and pretty soon the pressing question is gonna be what to do with you. I can’t guarantee anything, but I’ll do my best to vouch for you.”

“And I will, of course,” says Bobbi, squeezing Kara’s hand.

Kara gives Bobbi a grateful smile. “Thanks. Um, can we keep watching now?”

“I’ll leave you to it,” says Isabelle, clearly amused as she gets up to leave. Kara nestles against Bobbi and Bobbi pushes play.

\---

When Coulson comes down to visit again, they’re nestled together and they don’t bother trying to hide anything. 

“Hello,” he calls. “You seem comfortable.”

“Quite,” says Bobbi, running a hand through Kara’s hair.

“This isn’t going to be an issue, is it?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Sir, if I may borrow a phrase from my Academy days,” replies Bobbi, “‘don’t start none, won’t be none.’” Kara snorts fondly.

Coulson laughs, but maybe like he doesn’t think it’s as funny as Bobbi does. “Well,” he says finally, “I’m glad to see you’re both looking happier. Kara, how are you feeling?”

Kara nuzzles against Bobbi’s shoulder before lifting her head to smirk at him. “Just fine, thanks.” She punctuates the statement with a kiss to Bobbi’s cheek. She’s not usually comfortable with PDA, but embarrassing Coulson is always fun.

“Good.” Coulson coughs. “I, ah, I just came down to see how things were...progressing.”

“I’d say they’re progressing pretty well,” Bobbi says, reaching down to put a hand on Kara’s thigh and beginning to stroke it.

“Well, I have to be running,” says Coulson, getting up, “you know how to reach me if you need anything.” He beats a hasty retreat.

Bobbi grins at Kara. “You’re such a little shit.”

“ _ You’re _ the one who was groping my thigh!”

\---

Mack seems to find the whole thing at least as funny as they do, and possibly more so. 

He still seems a little wary of Kara, which doesn’t surprise her, but he comes down more often now to say hi. “So does this mean I gotta double-check the soundproofing on your room?” he teases Bobbi.

“I resent that implication!” says Bobbi, putting a hand on her chest. “As if we would be anything but perfect angels!”

“Angels with horns,” replies Mack, smirking. “I remember what you two used to get up to, don’t play innocent with me.”

Bobbi mock-pouts and Kara grins. “And  _ what _ exactly did we get up to?” she asks mischievously.

Mack shakes his head. “I don’t wanna know the details, but whatever it was, it woke me out of a dead sleep more than once. I don’t fuck around with my sleep schedule.”

“Wuss,” snarks Kara. “We’ll buy you earplugs.”

“Your generosity is overwhelming,” says Mack, flashing her a grin.

\---

Some of the others come to see them eventually, none of them staying long. May just nods at both of them and says, “Hope you're back on your feet soon.” She doesn’t quite look Kara in the eye, which Kara’s fine with. 

Skye and Trip wander down together, both looking a little uncertain, but Trip smiles and waves. “Hey,” he says. “Hope you’re doing better. It’s been a little crazy.”

“No kidding,” says Kara, smiling back. “How are you guys doing with your…?” Superpowers? She’s not sure what the right word is.

“Still just kinda figuring it all out,” says Skye. “Isabelle said she told you guys what happened.”

“Yeah,” says Bobbi, “and I’m glad to see you’re both keeping busy. Especially you,” she adds to Skye. “You doing okay?”

Skye shrugs. “I mean, y’know. It’s been...a lot.” She adds to Kara, “You probably missed this, but my dad started lowkey stalking me and then my dead mom turned out to be totally not dead after all and running a secret sanctuary for Inhumans, and then she tried to kill me when I wouldn’t help her try to fight SHIELD. And then my dad took a bunch of drugs and basically turned into the Hulk and killed my mom because she tried to kill me and we had to wipe his memory. It was a whole thing.”

Kara’s eyes go wide. “Oh my god. Are you...I mean, not okay, but…”

Chuckling, Skye shrugs again. “I’m working on it. But hey, I can make shit vibrate so that’s pretty fun.”

“Girl, please,” says Trip fondly. “You moved a freakin’  _ mountain  _ and you try to brush that off.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Skye whacks him on the arm and grins. “Anyway, we’ll get out of your hair. I’m glad you’re doing okay, Kara. And, uh, y’know.” She gestures vaguely to both of them. “Congratulations or whatever.”

Bobbi smirks. “Thanks. How’s Jemma doing?”

Skye seems to be expecting that, because she rolls her eyes and laughs and says, “Just fine, nosy.”

Later, Bobbi explains, “Jemma and Skye have been a thing for months. They’re just more subtle about it.”

“Oh.” Kara smirks. “So much for the fraternization rule.”

“Coulson’s probably just given up on that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since we don't know at what point Daisy started using Daisy, she's Skye in this particular bit, but she'll be Daisy in the s3 bits.


	27. when I jerk away from holding hands with you I know these habits hurt important parts of you

It would be nice if love conquered all, if being with Bobbi made everything okay and she forgot all the terrible things and was totally better. That’s not what happens, of course.

She still wakes up crying sometimes. She still has nightmares. She still misses Grant. And she still feels guilty.

Once, while they’re cuddling, she abruptly pulls her hand out of Bobbi’s and says, “How can you still love me after all the things I did?”

Bobbi blinks at her, obviously startled. “Well,” she says, like she’s thinking. “Like I said, I know you were hurting and angry and you weren’t really in your own head.

“Yes, but I still hurt you,” argues Kara. “And I tortured Bakshi.”

“He was a son-of-a-bitch,” points out Bobbi. “I’m not exactly crying any tears over him.”

“But shouldn’t I feel  _ bad _ about him?” Kara asks. “I feel terrible about hurting you! I don’t know how you can even look at me.”

“Kara,” Bobbi says, her voice so gentle it makes Kara want to cry. “I told you, I forgive you. We’ve all done some terrible shit in this job - hell, I’ve done things you don’t know about that might make  _ you _ not want to come anywhere near me. It was my choice to do those things. You were brainwashed and angry and not in your own head, not really. It sucked watching you do cruel things and enjoy it, but I know that wasn’t really  _ you _ .”

Kara makes a shuddery sort of noise that’s almost a sob. “I don’t want to be like that again. I don’t want to hurt you again.”

Bobbi carefully puts her arm around Kara and lets her melt against her. “You won’t,” she says, running her fingers across Kara’s skin. “Andrew says you’re showing improvement, right?”

“Yeah,” whimpers Kara.

“He doesn’t just say what you want to hear, at least not about stuff like that,” continues Bobbi, “so if he says it, it’s gotta be true. Plus, I think if you’re worried about it, you’re aware enough to avoid it in the future.”

Kara nods against Bobbi’s shoulder. She’s quiet for a long moment before she says, so softly she’s not even sure Bobbi can hear her, “I love you.”

But apparently she does, because Bobbi just keeps stroking her back and says, “I love you too.”

Things aren’t perfect. But Bobbi helps.


	28. I'm not their hero but that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave

Seven months after she was shot in the stomach, Coulson clears Kara for field missions.

They start out insignificant, recon and some retrieval. But with May taking her vacation and Fitz still skittish about ops, Coulson needs all hands on deck. They’ve started to get more reports of unusual activity, which Skye insists must be Inhuman in nature. Coulson’s not so sure, but he sends people to check them out anyway. Mostly they’re pretty standard ops, interviewing the locals and gathering any evidence, but after being in bed for months, being busy is heavenly.

Then one day Coulson calls a meeting and says, “We’re getting reports of someone or something in Seattle who’s accidentally... _ melting _ things.”

“Melting?” Bobbi asks, raising an eyebrow. “Like, Wicked Witch after the water’s thrown on her melting?”

“Yes. There’s been a news report of at least one construction site that was destroyed, and an eyewitness suggested it may have been a man who touched the metal and caused it to melt. I think retrieval might be best. By all accounts, this man is a danger to himself and others around him, even if he doesn’t mean to be.”

“Okay, so let’s go,” says Skye - Daisy, she goes by Daisy now. Kara hasn’t talked to her much, but she’s trying to remember that. She understands how important names are.

Coulson nods. “I thought you’d say that. Take Trip and Kara with you. The plane’s being prepped as we speak.”

Kara blinks, but Trip turns to her and grins. “Alright! Should be fun.”

“Yeah,” she says, grinning back despite her sudden anxiety.

\---

Daisy doesn’t talk much on the flight - she seems like she’s trying to focus, maybe come up with a plan. But Trip is friendly enough, and Kara feels comfortable talking to him. The trip flies by, and soon they’re landing in Seattle.

“Okay,” says Daisy, “you guys follow my lead. This guy’s probably pretty freaked out, and I wanna be able to talk to him, one Inhuman to another. Don’t shoot unless you have to, I wanna do this peacefully if we can.”

Kara nods. “We’ll be right behind you.”

“It’ll be fine,” Trip says confidently.

It isn’t fine.

“Who are those fuckers?” Kara hisses to Trip, nodding at the goons who have the Inhuman surrounded.

“Dunno,” says Trip, “but whoever they are, this can’t be good.”

Then the guns the goons are holding suddenly melt in their hands. This agitates the leader further, because he gives some kind of kill order, and the Inhuman (who definitely seems responsible for the melting) makes a break for it amidst a hail of bullets.

“Shit,” yells Daisy, going after him. Trip and Kara are right on her heels. 

They mostly manage to stay out of the fire, but Kara spots one of them shooting at Daisy and yells her name, jumping at her to block the shot. She doesn’t even really think about it, it’s just automatic.

After that, she kind of loses track of exactly what’s going on. Her shoulder’s burning. It’s not  _ as _ bad as what she remembers of her stomach wounds, but it’s not fun either.

“Shit!” she hears Trip say, and he catches her just before she hits the ground. “You okay?”

She manages to hiss “ _ Yeah _ ” and stumbles to her feet. It’s mostly the adrenaline that keeps her going long enough to cover Daisy until they have the Inhuman contained, and then Trip says “Daisy, Kara’s been shot, we gotta move!” After that she doesn’t really have the presence of mind to remember much.

When she comes to later, her head is fuzzy, she’s back in bed, and Bobbi’s sitting in front of her, frowning. “Oh, you’re awake,” she says. “Nice going, getting yourself shot again. Way to be the hero, Palamas.”

“Well,  _ excuse _ me for saving my teammate,” scoffs Kara, but she knows that’s Bobbi’s way of saying she was worried. “Daisy’s okay, right?” 

“Yeah, and so is Joey. His name’s Joey, by the way, the Inhuman. Coulson had me interview him a little while ago because he said it’d be better for me than ‘moping around’ while they were prepping you for surgery.” Bobbi rolls her eyes. “I wasn’t moping. I was just...concerned.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Kara smirks. “How long have you been waiting for me to wake up?”

“Not that long. Don’t flatter yourself,” teases Bobbi. “You’re gonna be fine, it just hit muscle. Your shoulder and arm will be a little fucked up for a while, but they think they can fix it with PT and shit.”

“Well, that’s something.” Kara raises an eyebrow. “How long have I been out?”

“Just a couple days. They had you on an IV and shit earlier. I think Trip was even more worried than I was,” says Bobbi with a grin. “ _ He _ sat around during your surgery waiting for news.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah. He’s passed out now, but I’m sure he’ll be back later. Daisy’s busy sorting out all the shit with Joey, but she asked after you too.”

“Huh.” Kara yawns. “Fuck, I feel sleepy again.”

“Well yeah, you were in surgery and now they have you on like twelve different painkillers,” says Bobbi, rolling her eyes playfully. “I’m amazed you’re lucid at all. You should sleep though, I’ll leave you alone for a while.”

“Wait, don’t I get a kiss for being a hero?” Kara teases, fake-pouting.

Bobbi snorts. “Real heroes don’t brag about their heroism,” she teases, but she stands up to kiss Kara all the same. “Now sleep,” she says, trying for stern. 

Kara laughs, but closes her eyes.

\---

Sure enough, Daisy shows up later that day, looking frazzled but smiling. “Hey,” she says. “How are you feeling?”

“Right now I’m high as a kite,” says Kara cheerfully.

That makes Daisy snort. “No kidding. Listen, uh, thanks for...y’know, taking a bullet for me and shit. You really didn’t have to do that.”

Kara shrugs as best she can with one shoulder. “I’m part of the team. We’re teammates. That’s what teammates do, right?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s true.” Daisy blinks. “I mean, you know you didn’t have to prove yourself or anything, right? Like I already trusted you, Coulson trusts you, you didn’t have to get yourself shot for me. It’s not a requirement to be on the team.” She grins and adds, “Although, at this point like half of us have gotten shot protecting each other, so maybe it  _ is _ a requirement and I never got the memo.”

That makes Kara snort. “Glad I could join the club, then.” She’s not gonna say anything about the first half of Daisy’s statement, but it warms her to hear that Daisy trusts her. Not that she’s been doubting it. (Okay, she has, but just a little.)

“But seriously, I’m glad you’re okay,” Daisy says.

“Yeah, me too,” says Kara. “How’s the Inhuman doing? Joey, was that his name?”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s...he’s okay. Still adjusting.” Daisy sighs. “He’s pretty freaked out, but I think being here is helping him.”

“Good. Did we ever find out who those other guys were?”

“Yeah, Coulson says they’re the ATCU - Advanced Threat Containment Unit, or something.” Daisy makes a face and adds, “He’s got some weird connection to their leader. I guess they’re new or something. They sure don’t seem to like treating us like people.”

Kara winces. “I’m sorry. Is there anything you can do?”

“Not right now. Coulson’s got a bunch of meetings set up with  _ Rosalind. _ ” The way Daisy says the name makes it clear how she feels about its owner. “I’m just trying to make sure Joey’s okay. We tried to get Lincoln, um, he used to work with my mom, y’know, but he basically told us to fuck off. So now it’s kinda just a waiting game.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Kara says, and she means it. “You’re capable.”

“Thanks.” Daisy smiles. “Anything I can do for you while you’re stuck down here again?”

“Yeah, actually, where’d they put that laptop Bobbi and I had before?” jokes Kara. “We were right in the middle of  _ Arrested Development _ when they let us out. I wanna try and finish it if they’re gonna keep me here for awhile.”

Chuckling, Daisy says, “I’ll ask around. I’m sure we can get that back to you.”

\---

Andrew, of all people, shows up a couple days later to check on her. She’s watching  _ Arrested Development _ because she wasn’t expecting visitors and she looks up, puzzled.

“Hi, Kara,” he says, but he looks uncharacteristically worried.

“Hi?” she says, unable to keep the confusion out of her voice. “Who sent you?”

“No one,” he says, sitting down with a laugh. “I just came to see how you were doing.”

She tilts her head. “Why?”

“I heard about what happened and I was concerned. How are you feeling?”

She shrugs with her uninjured shoulder. “Good as I can be, I guess.”

“Good.” He pauses for a second before adding, “I just wanted to be sure you know you don’t have to punish yourself for your past.”

“What?” She frowns. “Um, okay, that wasn’t what I was doing at all. I just saw the guy was shooting at Daisy and wanted to help.”

There might have been some tiny part of herself that was doing it for...what, redemption? Settling the karmic score? But that’s stupid and she’s not going to tell Andrew about it.

“Okay,” Andrew says, smiling. “Well, I’m glad you’re okay, Kara. If you ever need to talk about anything please come to me, okay?”

“I will,” says Kara, and she doesn’t even roll her eyes. She’s growing as a person, or something. “Hey, uh. You could stay for a bit if you want. I’m just watching TV.”

“Sure,” agrees Andrew. “I like this show, I haven’t watched it in a long time.” He sits down on the chair and settles in and Kara feels something like contentment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Promise this is the last bad thing that happens to Kara in this story. 
> 
> I figured if Trip was an Inhuman, he would be Daisy's partner and not Mack. Although I'd like to think Daisy and Mack are going to be close friends too.
> 
> Also I tried to get the canon bits of 3x01 as accurate as possible but let me know if I fucked up on something big.


	29. finally we got something, something we can bring down the house with

Kara’s not really sure what to expect when she’s released from the infirmary. Mostly she just feels awkward and embarrassed and like she’s the girl who’s constantly getting herself kidnapped or hurt. Her shoulder is still in a sling, and she has PT for weeks, but they’re letting her walk around and sleep in her own bed, at least.

It’s late in the afternoon when she’s finally discharged, and she wanders about aimlessly for a little while. Bobbi left for an op with Isabelle yesterday, and she suspects Daisy and Trip are still tied up with the Inhuman business. The base is eerily quiet.

Finally, she finds Mack and Fitz, passing some gadget back and forth in the lounge and playfully arguing about how to fix it. (Or maybe how to break it - she honestly has no idea.) “Uh, hi,” she says, leaning on the doorway and trying for a smile.

Mack turns to her, returning her smile. “Hey, Kara. They finally let you out?”

“Yeah,” she replies, gesturing to her sling. “I still have this, but, um. It’s better, anyway.”

“That’s good,” says Fitz, sounding a little shy himself. He’s usually been in his lab or Mack’s workshop, so they haven’t really talked. “It, it can’t have been fun, being cooped up in there again.”

“It really wasn’t,” she says, smirking. “What are you guys working on?” 

“Well, my drones need to be optimized for stealth mode, so we’re…”

And at this point everything Fitz is saying starts to go completely over Kara’s head, but she does her best to look interested until Mack notices her fidgeting and says fondly, “Turbo, remember, you’re talking to a regular person, not me.”

“Oh, right,” he says, looking somewhat apologetic. “Sorry. It’s...it’s very technical.”

“Anyway, we can pause for now,” says Mack. “You wanna watch a movie or something? Most people are away on ops and stuff, so I think it’s just the three of us right now.”

Kara’s eyes widen, but she nods and smiles. “Okay, that sounds...really nice, yeah.”

They end up watching  _ WALL-E, _ which Kara’s never seen (animation isn’t usually her thing), but it’s charming. The little robot falls in love with the other little robot, and it’s adorable but it makes her miss Bobbi in a way she’d never want to admit. She also can’t help but notice Fitz burrowing against Mack as the movie plays on, and the way Mack puts his hand on Fitz protectively. 

It’s nice, and they’re nice - Mack makes sure she gets a big bowl of popcorn all to herself - but she hopes Bobbi comes back soon.

\---

Bobbi returns just after dinner one evening, when Kara’s curled up in a chair reading. She’s absorbed enough in the book that she doesn’t notice until a husky voice whispers “Hey” in her ear.

That makes Kara jump and yelp, but she calms when she realizes it’s Bobbi. “God,” she gasps, grinning. “Scare the shit out of me, why don’t you.”

“You’re out of the infirmary,” says Bobbi, smiling (though she looks a little worried). “How’s your shoulder feeling?”

“PT hurts like a motherfucker,” says Kara, “but it’s getting there.”

“Good.” Bobbi runs her hand down Kara’s good arm fondly. “Hey, so I was gonna sneak in a bath, you wanna join me?”

Kara smirks. “I think I could be persuaded.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I...might have not written Fitz into this story if I were writing it today. I'm pissed at him right now. BUT here we are and I wanted Kara to have a chance to hang out with as much of her team as possible.
> 
> (Don't worry, Mack/Elena still happens in this verse too!)


	30. I saved up all my sunshine just to see you more clear

Kara’s awakened by a finger tracing circles on her back and Bobbi’s voice in her ear. “Wake  _ up,  _ Kara."

Kara blinks, then shuts her eyes again. “Five more minutes,” she moans, burying her face in the pillow.

“No, c’mon, we have a team meeting in an hour. Mandatory.”

“Fuck that,” mumbles Kara. “‘m going back to sleep."

Or at least that was her plan, before she feels Bobbi’s arm wrap around her waist and then dip under her to caress her stomach (fingers ghosting gently over her scars), and then…

She groans and rolls onto her side, half-heartedly trying to squirm away. “What are you  _ doing _ ?”

“Getting you up,” says Bobbi, taking advantage of her new position to pull her closer and start teasing Kara with light touches. “I figured this was good motivation.”

Kara opens her mouth to say something snarky, but instead she gasps when Bobbi’s fingers brush her clit. “Goddammit,” she mutters. “You’re an asshole.”

“I never claimed anything else,” says Bobbi playfully, rubbing at her. “So judging by that noise, you’re totally okay with my patented wake-up method.”

“Patented?” Kara teases, though it’s becoming more difficult to talk the more Bobbi is touching her. “How many other times have you done this kind of thing?”

“More than once,” says Bobbi lazily, dipping her fingers inside Kara just slightly. “Damn, you  _ are _ enjoying this, huh?”

“Maybe,” huffs Kara, biting her lip to stifle another moan.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. I think Coulson should know  _ exactly _ why we were late.” Bobbi’s smirking as she pinches Kara’s clit slightly.

“ _ Fuck _ ,” hisses Kara, moving against Bobbi as best she can. “C’mon-”

Bobbi laughs and starts kissing and sucking at the back of her neck while she strokes at her. It’s an embarrassingly short time until Kara squeals and shudders against Bobbi, Bobbi touching her all the way through it.

“Christ,” says Kara once she’s calmed. “Is this gonna be an every morning thing or just when we have early meetings?”

“I mean, it  _ could _ be an every morning thing,” says Bobbi, smirking, “but I’d expect you to return the favor.” 

Kara rolls over and grins. “You said an hour?”

“Well, fifty two minutes, now.”

“Plenty of time,” Kara says, reaching down to stroke at Bobbi.

Bobbi rolls her hips and makes a satisfied noise. “Hell, we can be a few minutes late.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, this monster project that got out of hand three months ago is finally done and posted. I hope you've enjoyed it and that I did Kara justice.
> 
> Also, smut is terrifying sorry if it's shit. But I wanted to leave them on a nice note.


End file.
